


New guys in the Multiverse

by LaughingGaster666



Series: Four universes [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Swapfell, Alternate Universe - Underfell, Alternate Universe - Underswap, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Dirty Jokes, Fluff, Fontcest, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, M/M, Meta, Metafiction, Randomness, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-06-10 16:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 31,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6965050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaughingGaster666/pseuds/LaughingGaster666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Papyrus and Sans of Swapfell get an invitation to meet their alternate selves, hoping to learn more about them. They have no idea what they're getting into...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An invitation

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is my first fic so I hope that you guys enjoy reading about silly sinning skeletons ;)

“what do you think brother?” Papyrus asked.

“QUITE HONESTLY? I THINK IT’S STUPID… BUT IT COULD BE INTERESTING…” Sans mused.

“IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET OTHER VERSIONS OF OURSELVES EVERY DAY.”

“chara has already met their alternate versions and they seem to like each other. well, we’d better decide soon, ‘cuz they keep bugging me about it. you know them, they sure are the... social butterfly.” Papyrus replied with a toothy grin.

“EUGHHHHHHH, WILL YOU EVER STOP WITH YOUR HORRIBLE PUNS BROTHER?”

“nope.”

“WHATEVER, JUST TELL THEM THAT WE’LL COME TO THAT STUPID LITTLE PARTY OUR ALTERNATE SELVES ARE HAVING.”

“alright then m’ lord.” Papyrus said affectionately as he texted Chara to inform them that they’ll be attending the welcoming party tomorrow.

 

The next day…

 

“hey kiddo.” Papyrus said as he and Sans walked up to Chara who was standing next to the mysterious grey door in Waterfall.

“DO WE REALLY HAVE TO WALK THROUGH _THAT_ TO GET THERE?” Sans inquired, looking at the odd grey door in Waterfall.

“What’s the matter Sans? I thought you were the brave one?” Chara teased.

Sans growled, then spoke up, even louder than before “THE INVINCIBLE SANS IS NOT _SCARED_ TINY HUMAN! I AM SIMPLY NOT VERY TRUSTING OF THIS METHOD FOR INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL, OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT.”

“relax m’ lord, I’m sure that Chara knows exactly what they’re doing.” Papyrus chimed in.

“Don’t worry Sans, it’s perfectly safe, I’ve done this dozens of times.”

“I ALREADY TOLD YOU BOTH, I. AM. NOT. SCARED!!!” Sans claimed, even though the beads of sweat forming on Sans’s forehead suggested otherwise.

“If you _really_ aren’t scared Sans, then how about you be the first one to step through the spooky scary door?” Chara said, clearly enjoying how flustered Sans was at this point.

Papyrus snickered at the last part of that sentence “heh, good one kiddo.”

Sans paused briefly before realizing what just happened. “DID YOU JUST MAKE A STEALTH PUN HUMAN?” Sans asked aggressively, even more irritated than before.

“Maaaaaybe.” Chara said evasively.

“AGHHHH, FINE, I’LL GO FIRST ONLY TO END THIS HORRIBLE CONVERSATION.” Sans said as he went through the door in a huff.

“... does he have any idea how to navigate through the void Chara?”

“Nope.”

“... we should probably go after him, he’s probably either very frustrated, lost, scared, or a combination of the three.”

“... Or we could wait for him to come screaming back to us apologizing.” Chara suggested with a creepy face.

Papyrus chuckled in response. “ah well, i’m too lazy to go searching through the vast void for him anyway. what a shame, we’ll probably be late for the party at this rate.”

“Don’t worry about being late. I’m pretty sure at least one, if not two pairs of AU versions of you two skeletons are going to be late due to... certain activities…” Chara said slyly.

“what kind of activities?” Papyrus asked as he lit a cigarette, not commenting on the hint of a suggestive nature in Chara’s response.

“Oh you know... exercising, cooking, napping,…” Chara continued to list off activities as Papyrus stopped paying attention as he smoked.

“boning…”

At that last comment, Papyrus coughed while his eyeballs suddenly appeared in his eye sockets briefly as he nearly swallowed his cigarette while Chara innocently looked away from him towards the door.

“did you…” cough “just say…” cough “what i think you said?” Papyrus struggled to spit out during his coughing fit.

“Hm? What do you mean Papyrus? Didn’t you hear me loud and clear?” Chara said looking as innocently as a child who's been through hell and more or less tamed it could possibly be.

Papyrus saw right through the ‘innocent’ expression as he furthered his questioning “i’m only asking this once, did you or did you not say the word boning?”

“My my, Papyrus, why on Earth are you accusing a 10 year-old kid of saying something so lewd?”

“just answer the question Ch-” Before Papyrus could finish, Sans burst out from the grey door, looking incredibly displeased.

“WHERE WERE YOU TWO?!? I’VE SPENT THE PAST HALF HOUR TRYING TO FIND THIS STUPID PARTY AND NEITHER OF YOU EVEN FOLLOWED ME INSIDE!” Sans accused.

“chill out bro, we’ll be there in snow time.” Papyrus said with a wink.

“UGH, YOU’RE USELESS! CHARA!”

“Yes Sans?”

“HOW THE HELL DO WE GET TO THE STUPID PARTY?” Sans asked angrily, not noticing the slight tone of desperation edging in.

“Pffft, I don’t know, did you try calling for help?” Chara asked with an ‘are you stupid?’ expression on their face.

Sans and Papyrus were both dumbfounded at Chara’s travel advice until Papyrus spoke up.

“uh, what would that accomplish?” Papyrus asked.

Chara opens their mouth before pausing and shaking their head before talking “You know what? I’ll just show you two boneheads how to travel in the multiverse.”

“ABOUT TIME!” Sans said as the three of them went through the grey door.

The three were now in a large white space full of grey doors with different numbers on them.

“so, how do we know which one to go through?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I already told you both, we call for help.”

Sans called for help “HELLO? ANYBODY THERE?” but nobody came.

Chara pulled out their phone as they dialed the number “Not that kind of call you idiot, I meant the cell phone variety of calls.” ring ring ring “Hello? Is this the wrong number? Yes? Great! I need to find the number for the door to Waterfall in the Undertale universe please. #13031? Got it. Thanks.” Chara hung up their phone.

“chara, who was that?” Papyrus asked.

“Somebody who doesn’t exist in this dimension.” Chara replied before walking off, causing both Papyrus and Sans to look at each other more confused than ever.

“this kid, I swear.” Papyrus huffed as he and Sans followed, clearly annoyed that Chara was constantly evading his questions that day.

“Let’s see… 29… 30… 31… got it!” Chara said as they opened and went through the door.

“heya.” said a small skeleton in a fluffy blue jacket waiting outside of the door.


	2. Meeting the Undertale crew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Swapfell brothers are formally introduced to their Undertale counterparts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite everything, I'm able to continue writing! I don't know how often I'll be able to update, but I'll do what I can. Thanks for your support guys!

The short smiling skeleton continued “so, you guys are from the swapfell au right?”

Chara stepped forward “Yep, this is their first time outside of their universe. And you are… the Sans of the Undertale universe right?”

“ya got that right kiddo. it’s chara right? the frisk of my universe told me about you.” Sans said as his phone rung. “probably papyrus.” he said as he held his phone to… wherever his ears would be if he wasn’t a bare bones skeleton... “yeah, I just met them. be back soon. tell the others.” Undertale Sans hung up his phone “we’d better go.” he said as he walked off with the others following closely.

As they walked, Swapfell Sans spoke up “HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER IF A GOOD CHUNK OF US SHARE THE SAME NAME? IF MY PAPYRUS SAYS ‘sans’ THEN HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH ONE HE’S REFERRING TO?”

“good question. since we share a name, me and the skeleton brothers of the other AU’s decided to refer to each other by nickname when there is more than one version of the same skeleton present. we all have multiple nicknames around each other, but i prefer the nickname cloud.”

“CLOUD? THAT’S STUPID! WHY DID YOU PICK THAT NAME?”

“because clouds are lazy and don’t do anything. they go wherever the wind takes them and they have no problem just letting it happen. i just like that lack of responsibility. it’s better than trying and failing constantly.”

The group was silent for the rest of the way until they reached the surface where a tall skeleton wearing a red scarf with a small human next to him was waiting.

“alright, this is the part where i let my bro take care of you kids and chara.”

“HEY! WHY DON’T YOU SAY THAT TO MY-” But Cloud had teleported away before Fellswap Sans could finish.

Ignoring the blatherings of his brother, Fellswap Papyrus went to meet his eager doppelganger and the human with closed eyes waiting beside him. “so, you’re one of the other versions of me right?” Fellswap Papyrus looks to his side “and this is your human too i suppose?”

“YES! DID MY LAZY BROTHER ACTUALLY PUT SOME EFFORT INTO BEING A GOOD HOST AND ACTUALLY EXPLAIN THINGS FOR ONCE?”

“more effort than i would put in at least.” Swapfell Papyrus replied. “he mentioned something about nicknames. what’s yours?”

“NICKNAMES? OH YES! MINE IS PHOENIX! IT’S MUCH BETTER THAN THE PLAIN OLD ‘ORANGE’ NICKNAME I USED TO HAVE!” The human next to Phoenix nudged him. “OH, SORRY FRISK! I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE YOU!” Phoenix picked up his human. “THIS IS FRISK! THE HUMAN THAT FREED ALL OF THE MONSTERS OF THIS UNIVERSE WITH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!”

Chara laughed a little at this, causing the Swapfell brothers to recall how they may have not been “friendly” when they first met Chara. “Heh, I don’t remember my trip to the Underground being that nice. I had to… ‘coerce’ the monsters I met into not killing me on sight.” Chara recalled.

“REALLY? HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH THE UNDERGROUND OF YOUR UNIVERSE?” Phoenix asked.

“I used a combination of persuasion and reasoning mostly.” Chara raised thier right hand, now with a fake knife in it “Here’s persuasion…” Chara then raised their left hand, this time with a real knife in it “and here’s reason! It’s a whole lot easier to convince someone to spare you when they only have one hp left. Most of the time anyway.” they said as they gave a quick glance to the Fellswap brothers who refused to look back.

Phoenix was getting slightly nervous at the implications “ER… WHY DON’T WE GO NOW? WE DON’T WANT TO BE LATE AFTER ALL!” Phoenix said, eager to end the awkward conversation.

The group walked down the mountain, eventually reaching a parking lot in which Phoenix and Frisk led the others to a bright red convertible.

“i assume this car is yours phoenix?” Fellswap Papyrus asked.

“YES! LEARNING TO DRIVE WAS ONE OF MY BIGGEST DREAMS WHEN I WAS STUCK IN THE UNDERGROUND! THANKS TO FRISK, THAT DREAM IS NOW REAL!” Phoenix said with glee as Frisk blushed a little, prompting Chara to laugh a little at Frisk’s expense.

“Heh, you didn’t tell me about how you made their hopes and dreams come true Frisky.”

Frisk said nothing in return as they opened the car door and got in.

“Then again… you and Fell Frisky don’t say much of anything now that I think about it. I guess I’ll have to learn that sign language thing that the other Chara was trying to show me.” Chara said as they got in the car next to Frisk.

Phoenix got in the driver seat and hurried up the Fellswap brothers to get in already.

“shotgun. called it.” Fellswap Papyrus didn’t even notice the menacing look his brother shot him.

For simple transportation, the Fellswap brothers had to admit that the ride was nice. Good scenery, and Phoenix was a decent driver for someone who only recently received his license. The scenery itself was simple but serene, just like the kind of suburban landscape that they would see in magazines from the garbage dump. With there being both monsters and humans in the area, the Fellswap brothers realized that the humans and monsters in this universe were on friendly terms by the looks of it. The drive itself was nice too. Phoenix would follow the speed limit down to the mile and would never make any mistakes, turning in with ease and braking to a complete stop when needed. While pleasant, it only took Papyrus about ten minutes to get to his house, ending the Fellswap brothers’ first taste of the life above the Underground in this universe.

Papyrus parked in his garage and all five of them got out of the car.

Frisk gestured to Chara, leading them away. “Your mom’s house is this way right?” Chara asked, finger pointing.

Frisk only nodded in agreement, still not speaking.

“Alright then, I’ll see you boneheads later. Frisky here is going to introduce me to their mom.”

Chara and Frisk walked away before Swapfell Sans could voice his displeasure at the ‘bonehead’ comment.

Swapfell Papyrus addressed his counterpart “so, has the party started yet?”

“WELL, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO START AT 11, BUT IT’S ALREADY 11:30 AND NO ONE IS HERE YET!”

Swapfell Papyrus recalled Chara’s ‘boning’ comment earlier, and hoped that that was not the reason for the tardiness of the others.

Then, Swapfell Papyrus heard faint noises that sounded like snoring “shhh, i hear something” he whispered as the three looked around the garage for the source.

The three were all expecting the source of the noise to be from an animal that had taken refuge in the garage, perhaps in the form of a certain annoying dog that would often steal Phoenix’s special attack.

Eventually, Swapfell Papyrus saw the source of the noise on the ceiling. “... guys… look up.” pointing at the source.

What the three were not expecting was for the source of the noise to be a sleeping skeleton, stuck to the ceiling by what appeared to be blue gravity magic.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like somebody just got pranked between time and space...


	3. And then things get... strange...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to experiment a little with this chapter. I hope you all can appreciate a kooky cocktail filled to the brim with absurdity, cuz that's what this chapter is in a nutshell.

As the skeleton on the ceiling kept snoring, the other three skeletons stood on the ground, still gaping at the sight until Swapfell Papyrus finally spoke up “brother.”

“YES?”

“there is a skeleton on the ceiling.”

“REALLY? I DIDN’T NOTICE!” Swapfell Sans said sarcastically.

Phoenix chimed in “ER… I’LL TRY TO GET HIM DOWN.”

Phoenix raised his arm towards the sleeping skeleton and grasped him with his own blue magic, but the force causing the skeleton to be stuck on the ceiling refused to budge.

“COULD YOU TWO HELP ME? THE MAGIC THAT’S KEEPING HIM UP THERE APPEARS TO BE VERY STRONG.”

All three of them tried to get the sleeping skeleton down, but no matter how hard they tried, the sleeping skeleton seemed to be stuck there like gum on a shoe.

“UGH! WHY WON’T HE JUST COME DOWN!?!” Swapfell Sans yelled in frustration as he punched whatever was closest to him. In this case, it was Phoenix’s car.

‘dink’

“PLEASE DON’T-” Phoenix started, until he was rudely interrupted.

“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

All three of them stumbled back from the source of the noise. The source seemed to be… the car?

A little while after the demonic noise from the car died down, Swapfell Papyrus spoke up. “phoenix...”

“Yes?” Phoenix was scared to the point where he couldn’t even talk in all capitalized letters anymore.

“you did turn the car off earlier right?”

“Ye-Yes. I… have the keys right here.” Phoenix held the keys out to prove he was correct.

“i see… is there any chance that your car is possessed by a ghost right now?”

“Ma-Maybe. I-I don’t know…”

Swapfell Papyrus went up to the car then looked behind him, noticing that neither his brother nor Phoenix were moving.

“are you two just going to stand there and be scared or am i going to do this by myself?”

Slowly, the two scared skeletons walked up to Swapfell Papyrus.

“put your hands on the car, we need to see if there’s any magic in it to detect if it really is possessed like I think it is.” Swapfell Papyrus ordered as he put his own hands on the car.

The other two complied.

 

ACT

Check

Spooky Scary Car

An ordinary car. Has a strange magical presence coming from the trunk.

 

Once again, there was silence from the three skeletons.

“phoenix…”

“Y-Y-Y-Yes?” Phoenix struggled to speak.

“did you put anything that may resemble the stuff of nightmares in your trunk?”

“N-No! Besides groceries, the only thing that sometimes is in my trunk is…” Phoenix paused until a look of recognition passed his face, then anger as his eyes popped out “THAT MEDDLING CANINE!!!”

Phoenix started mumbling to himself angrily as he unlocked the trunk and opened it to find… himself being propelled upwards in a blur of blue magic?!?

“NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH?!?!?” Phoenix screamed as he was hurled up to the ceiling.

The Swapfell brothers glanced at each other before Swapfell Papyrus spoke up. “so uh, what’s in the trunk exactly phoenix?”

“I DON’T KNOW! ALL I SEE IS THIS STRANGE BLACK AND WHITE ANIMAL GLARING AT ME THROUGH IT’S EDGY SUNGLASSES!”

Swapfell Sans sighed in frustration as he went to investigate the trunk “CAN THIS DAY POSSIBLY GET ANY WEIRDER?” He was pretty sure it could, but he didn’t want to think about that right now.

Sans stared at the animal wearing sunglasses. It was a penguin, of all things. Go figure.

The penguin stared back.

What a meaningful conversation!

“PAPYRUS, LOOK AT THIS.”

Swapfell Papyrus went over to the trunk.

Papyrus stared at the penguin wearing sunglasses.

The penguin stared back.

What a meaningful conversation!

“WHAT IS THIS THING?”

“it’s a penguin wearing sunglasses. but that’s not important right now.”

“CAN’T YOU ACTUALLY GIVE ME SOME DETAILS FOR ONCE?!?”

“alright, i’ll check it then.” Swapfell Papyrus said as he popped out his eyeballs to get a better look.

 

ACT

Check

Shady Penguin

A mysterious penguin that is wearing edgy sunglasses.

It seems very annoyed for some reason.

 

“our penguin appears to be very annoyed for some reason. i’ll try some other form of ACTing now.”

 

ACT

Talk

“so uh… what’s been annoying you?”

 

The penguin pointed to Sans with his flipper.

“WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?”

‘ping’

That noise was from Sans’s phone.

The penguin then tapped its foot impatiently.

“i think the penguin wants you to read the message m’lord.”

“FINE!” Sans said as he pulled out his phone and started reading.

The message said “Don’t you know that it’s rude to interrupt a penguin’s beauty sleep? It’s also VERY rude to punch the car of a new friend.”

“WHO SLEEPS IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR?”

‘ping’ another new message, almost instantly.

“A penguin that doesn’t feel like sleeping in a dog house, that’s who.”

“FINE. I GUESS IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY. CAN YOU JUST GET PHOENIX AND THAT OTHER SKELETON DOWN FROM THE CEILING?”

‘ping’

“Don’t you know how to be polite? Say the magic word Sansy~”

“NO! I MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT!”

The penguin, who had somehow been able to follow the conversation despite the fact that it wasn’t even looking at Sans’s phone raised its flipper, this time bringing Swapfell Papyrus to the ceiling in a blue flash.

“oh for goodness sake sans! just do whatever the text message is demanding! it can’t be that hard right?”

“ALRIGHT FINE!” Sans paused, sighing in frustration. “CAN YOU _PLEASE_ LET THE OTHER SKELETONS DOWN?”

The penguin seemed satisfied at this and snapped its...  flipper? No, I have no idea how the hell a penguin can do that either...

Suddenly, the blue grip over the souls of the other three skeletons was gone, allowing normal gravity to work its own magic.

Realizing that the ground of the garage is awfully hard, Sans immediately went into action and used his own blue magic to slow down the falling of the three.

The penguin clapped sarcastically with his flippers at the act of heroism.

“ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?”

‘ping’

“Yes, both I and the penguin are very happy that you dropped the edgy act long enough to save your brother and friends.”

“I JUST MET PHOENIX AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW THAT SLEEPING SKELETON. THEY AREN’T MY FRIENDS.”

‘ping’

“Close enough. Now, I believe, would be a good time to bid you adieu. See you later~”

Swapfell Sans looked up in time to see the Shady Penguin… walking through a wall? This penguin seemed perfectly content with ignoring any and all laws of time and space when it felt like it.

Sans did not like that penguin or the mysterious entity texting him one bit, and loathed the idea that he might be seeing that penguin again in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are still confused, (why wouldn't you be?) the Shady Penguin is supposed to be the equivalent of the Annoying Dog for my personal multiverse. If you guys don't like the edgy penguin, I can use him less in the future.
> 
> P.S. For those wondering what the penguin looks like, imagine an emperor penguin http://www.photovolcanica.com/PenguinSpecies/Emperor/IMG_7721.jpg  
> with the sunglasses and edginess of this squirtle http://static.tumblr.com/txrapc2/Tgblqvp7r/squirtleglasses.jpg


	4. Getting the party started

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At long last, the party finally starts up.

The sleeping skeleton finally woke up at this point, and quickly noticed the Swapfell brothers before addressing Phoenix. “PHOENIX? ARE THESE TWO SKELETONS OUR GUESTS?”

“YES SAPPHIRE! THESE TWO ARE FROM THE SWAPFELL UNIVERSE!” 

“HOW DID YOU GUYS GET HERE ANYWAY? ALL I REMEMBER IS UNLOADING SOME GROCERIES LAST NIGHT TO HELP PREPARE FOR THE PARTY BEFORE EVERYTHING SUDDENLY WENT BLACK.”

Then, the door to the house opened with a tall skeleton wearing an orange hoodie stepping out into the garage. “oh, there you are sapphire. i knew you wanted to come early for the party but i was hoping that you would have at least came home for a bedtime story last night.”

The tall skeleton then noticed the other three skeletons. “heya phoenix, are these the Swapfell skelebros?”

“YES CITRINE! I DROVE THEM AND THEIR HUMAN OVER HERE JUST NOW! WE HAVE BEEN DELAYED A BIT DUE TO RECENT… EVENTS HOWEVER…”

Phoenix then informed Sapphire and Citrine of the recent events revolving around the absurdity of the Shady Penguin along with the unknown identity of the entity that was texting Swapfell Sans to communicate.

“QUITE HONESTLY, I’M SURPRISED THAT YOU DIDN’T HEAR THE RACKET WE MADE! WHERE WERE YOU?” Phoenix inquired.

“sleeping on your comfy couch of course. cloud pointed out to me that it would be more polite to take a nap before a party rather than during.”

“UGH! YOU TWO ARE HOPELESS!” Phoenix went inside the house, clearly not approving of the unauthorized napping that had taken place on his own couch.

Sapphire had fully woken up at this point. “YEOWIE! I GUESS THAT PENGUIN MUST HAVE KNOCKED ME OUT AND LEFT ME HANGING ON THE GARAGE CEILING ALL NIGHT! IT WOULD CERTAINLY EXPLAIN WHY I DID NOT SLEEP VERY WELL…” Sapphire mused before addressing his brother. “SORRY ABOUT MAKING YOU WORRY BROTHER! I WOULD HAVE COME HOME LAST NIGHT BUT I ENDED UP FALLING ASLEEP ON THE CEILING BECAUSE OF THAT STRANGE PENGUIN!

“it’s fine, don’t worry about it sapphire. whatever the case, at least now all you guys are here.” Citrine then addressed the Swapfell brothers. “name’s citrine, like the stone. me’n sapphire over here are from the underswap au.” Citrine paused again as he recalled something important.

“that penguin showing up and causing chaos that phoenix mentioned might explain this weird e-mail cloud showed me now that i think about it.”

“WHAT E-MAIL?” Swapfell Sans demanded.

Citrine shrugged. “can’t remember all the details. cloud said something about a penguin coming along to replace the annoying dog from cloud’s universe and his counterparts from other au’s while they all go on vacation. we can ask him more about that later.”

“FINE, WHATEVER. SO WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH YOUR NICKNAMES THEN? NAMING YOURSELF AFTER JEWELS SEEMS AWFULLY PRETENTIOUS AFTER ALL!” Swapfell Sans said, somewhat annoyed.

Sapphire didn’t pick up the hostility in the comment “WHAT A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR A STORY! BROTHER, CAN YOU TELL THEM? YOU’RE ALWAYS SUCH A GREAT STORYTELLER!”

“heh, okay little bro.” 

“I’M NOT LITTLE!” Sapphire insisted.

“well, you are taller than cloud at least. why don’t we all come inside the house first though. I can tell you two all about the nicknames while we eat.”

Swapfell Sans checked the time on his phone. It was already 12:30 and he could feel his nonexistent stomach growling in his mind.

“YES, FOOD AND A STORY SEEMS APPROPRIATE. WOULDN’T YOU AGREE BROTHER?”

“sure.” Swapfell papyrus replied lazily.

The four skeletons in the garage then went inside to find Phoenix preparing some food in the kitchen.

“SAPPHIRE, COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THIS PLEASE?” Phoenix asked.

“OF COURSE!”

While the two chefs were working their culinary magic, Citrine went to the cabinet to pull out a bottle of honey and start sucking away. Noticing the odd looks this got from Swapfell Sans, Citrine explained himself “i like to drink it straight from the bottle okay? it’s easier this way.”

“IT’S STILL WEIRD…” Swapfell Sans trailed off.

Swapfell Papyrus, however, was captivated. “hmmm… got any more of those buddy?”

“yeah. here.” Citrine handed him one as Swapfell Sans, Sapphire, and Phoenix all groaned in unison.

“didn’t peg you as the honey lover type.” Citrine said as the two honey guzzlers moved to relax in the living room.

“never said i love it. it’s not my favorite, but it’s not something i’d turn down.”

“what do you like to eat then?”

Swapfell Papyrus thought for a bit. “vanilla ice cream or some other dessert drowned in caramel sauce.” 

Citrine then got out his phone and sent a quick message.

“what was that about?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

“just texted cloud to add ‘caramel products’ to things he should bring back when he’s done working at Grillby’s today.”

Swapfell Papyrus tensed up suddenly. “hey, you guys really don’t have to do that for me. it’s fine, really.”

Citrine noticed the increase in tension. “chill dude, he was going to bring some stuff back anyway. not a problem.” 

There was a period of silence between the two tall skeletons as the two thought silently to themselves. Citrine recalled how it was difficult to connect with the Underfell brothers at times due to the rough background of that AU and how it affected the two. Then Citrine’s mind drifted off to the Underfell brothers. Where the hell were they anyway? 

Focusing his attention back to reality, he noticed that Swapfell Papyrus was smoking and not looking in his direction.

In an attempt to break the ice that had frozen over between them, Citrine opened up with a quick quip “oh, you smoke too? mind lighting me up?”

“sure.” Swapfell Papyrus said as he lit the cigarette.

“i guess you could call the two of us…” Citrine paused, trying to egg on Swapfell Papyrus to finish it.

“... chain-smokers?... heh. never had someone else set up a horrible joke for me before.” Swapfell Papyrus commented.

With the ice breaker successful, Citrine continued the conversation “so, how long has the barrier for your universe been broken?”

“about a month now, all thanks to the kid. makes me feel like shit about killing them more times than i can even count.”

Okay, maybe this would be a bit harder than Citrine thought. Talking to the Underfell brothers wasn’t exactly pleasant at times Citrine recalled. Still, he wanted to be on friendly terms with the other skeleton and know a little about their universe at the very least.

“what about you? what’s the story for your universe?”

“hmmm… not too different really. The human that fell in my universe broke the barrier about seven months ago and found the gateway into other universes a month after that. Seems like a bit of a cycle.”

“if it is a cycle, does that mean that we’ll end up inviting another pair of skeletons for this…” Swapfell Papyrus gestured his hands in the air “party thing?”

“possibly. me and the others talked about it a little when our humans informed us that they met your human a few days ago. but something like that is a long way off, if it even happens. no need to worry, it‘s better to just approach each day one at a time in my opinion. made getting used to no resets a lot easier.”

“... yeah… the whole adjusting to the no resets thing… it’s not easy...”

“i know. took me a while for it to sink in too. but you know what really helped? the fact that i wasn’t alone to deal with it. so don’t feel like you have to deal with stuff alone okay? i think that other people care about you more than you realize.” 

Swapfell Sans then poked out his head from the kitchen “CITRINE! BROTHER! FOOD IS READY! NOW COME IN HERE AND EAT ALREADY! I’M STARVING AND SICK OF WAITING! I BETTER NOT HAVE SLAVED AWAY HELPING THESE TWO ALL FOR NOTHING!” Swapfell Sans yelled before returning to the kitchen.

“exhibit a right there. he may not show it in the… gentlest form at times, but i can tell that he really cares about you.” Citrine pointed out.

“heh, ya got that right. thanks. let’s eat.” Swapfell Papyrus said as the two went to join the others in the kitchen.

Once inside the kitchen, both of them immediately noticed the big table full of food. Upon further inspection, it became clear that it consisted more of appetizer party foods than a traditional lunch with foodstuffs like a fruit and vegetable platter, small sandwiches, bruschetta, bacon-wrapped hotdogs, varieties of crackers and cheese, and some tortilla chips with salsa and guacamole.

“that certainly looks like it will be enough to fill us up.” Swapfell Papyrus commented, eyeing the mountain of food.

“OH, THIS? IF YOU THINK THIS IS A LOT, JUST WAIT UNTIL DINNER TONIGHT! MWEHEHEH!” Sapphire commented enthusiastically.

“still seems like a lot for five skeletons. aren’t there others coming? what’s taking them so long?” Swapfell Papyrus asked, Chara’s boning comment still in the back of his mind.

Citrine shrugged. “sans is finishing up some work at grillby’s right now and also doing some last minute shopping. the underfell brothers should have arrived a long time ago, but i don’t know what their excuse is.”

Suddenly, there was a loud banging coming from the front door “i’ll get it” Citrine said to the other four skeletons in the house as he went to the door.

Before opening the door, Citrine heard a very loud and edgy voice from the other side. “THE PERFECT PAPYRUS DEMANDS ENTRY INTO THIS HOUSE!” Speak of the devils. Heh. Citrine sighed. He was hoping that it would be Cloud instead of the Underfell brothers. He barely had enough energy to deal with one pair of edgy skeletons. The thought of socializing with two pairs of them at the same time was already giving him a headache.

Then, a quiet but rough voice spoke behind the door “bro, you don’t have to demand entry into a house where it’s occupants invited you to come to in the first place right? it’s not like you’re doing a drug bust or something.”

Citrine considered opening the door, but decided against it to hear the rest of the conversation.   
“I KNOW, BUT I LIKE TO SOUND AUTHORITARIAN FROM TIME TO TIME! IT’S BEEN FAR TOO LONG SINCE I HAD AN EXCUSE TO BE MENACING! BESIDES, THAT STUPID PENGUIN AND ITS ANTICS PUT ME IN A VERY NASTY MOOD TODAY!”

“that penguin wouldn’t have even crossed our path if you didn’t insist on taking forever to get ready. and by the way, being ‘fashionably late’ does not mean showing up after lunchtime. if there isn’t any food left, i’m cutting you off from sex for a month.” Underfell Sans commented.

Citrine snickered at that last sentence, alerting the Underfell pair to his presence.

“CITRINE, JUST WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT OPENING THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW?”

Citrine spoke up “because it’s a whole lot more fun to hear you get chewed out by your brother, that’s why.”

“JUST OPEN THE DAMN DOOR ALREADY!”

Citrine was not convinced “ehhhhh… i don’t think so. i’m kind of tired and the door is sort of heavy. it sure is convenient that your brother can use shortcuts isn’t it?”

Underfell Sans realized what Citrine was doing, and promptly decided to go along with it, taking a quick shortcut into the house and leaving his brother outside.

“SANS! OPEN THE DOOR THIS INSTANT!” Underfell Papyrus bellowed, incredibly irritated at his brother’s betrayal.

“don’t worry bro, i’ll open the door… after lunch… probably…” Underfell Sans said as he and Citrine went to the kitchen to get some food, ignoring the screaming coming from outside.


	5. This is not the meal I expected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 8 skeletons have lunch. Nothing strange happens. Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoever wrote that summary is a filthy liar -_-

Phoenix greeted Underfell Sans as he and Citrine came into the kitchen “THERE YOU ARE SATURN! I WAS GETTING WORRIED THAT YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO COME!” Phoenix then noticed that Saturn hadn’t brought his brother with him. “WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER?”

“I’M RIGHT HERE!” the missing skeleton bellowed as he came in with Cloud, who was ‘carrying’ a few boxes with blue magic.

“I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO COME IN A SECOND AGO IF SOMEONE HADN’T LOCKED ME OUT!”

“there’s no need to yell mars.” Cloud said flatly as he put away some of the contents of the boxes into the cabinets and some out on the tables all without lifting a bone.

Mars was still displeased as he and the others took a seat. “WELL EXCUUUUUSE ME FOR BEING MAD THAT CITRINE COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO-”

At this point, Swapfell Sans had had enough of the aimless shenanigans that were delaying lunchtime. “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR DEAL IS BUT WILL YOU JUST GET OVER IT! WHILE YOU TOOK YOUR SWEET TIME TO BE THE LAST SKELETON TO THE PARTY WHO DID JACK SQUAT TO HELP PREPARE FOR IT, ME, PHOENIX, AND SAPPHIRE WENT THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF MAKING ALL OF THIS FOOD WHILE YOU WERE BEING SLOWER THAN A SNAIL!”

“BUT I-” Mars tried to explain himself, but it was no use as Swapfell Sans was on a roll with his barrage of beration.

“NO EXCUSES! NOW EAT IT!” Swapfell Sans said as he slammed down a plate of food in front of Mars. “AND LIKE IT...” Swapfell Sans added for emphasis as Mars nervously nibbled at his food.

It was at this moment that Swapfell Sans realized that three pairs of eyeballs and three pairs of empty eye sockets were staring at him in utter shock at the outburst. “WHAT? SOMEBODY HAD TO SAY SOMETHING…” Swapfell Sans said as he got some food and sat down.

Citrine whispered to Saturn and Cloud “these two need a freaking drink.”

“got it covered.” Cloud said as he went to the table with the supplies he brought.

“thank god there’s a bartender in the house.” Saturn commented as he and the other skeletons slowly took their seats and started eating while Cloud made some drinks.

Around five minutes later, (gravity magic made mixology a whole lot easier) Cloud passed out the drinks.

“here.” Cloud said as he put a glass of a blue substance chilled with ice in front of Swapfell Sans.

“... THANKS.” Swapfell Sans replied reluctantly as he took a cautious sip.

“... THIS IS GOOD. WHAT IS IT?”

“a sans special blue hawaii.” 

“I MEANT WHAT’S IN IT. AND WHAT MAKES IT SPECIAL ANYWAY?”

“rum, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and some blue curacao infused with cyan blue magic. the magic i infused is what makes it special.”

Swapfell Sans took another sip. He felt very… refreshed as he did so. It almost felt like he just woke up from a pleasant nap. Perhaps his brother had the right idea with constantly napping. Wait what? No, that would be ridiculous, he thought. Ugh, the alcohol must be affecting his thought process. Still, the drink was good.

As Swapfell Sans had an existential crisis caused by one measly cocktail, Cloud passed out the drinks for the others. Kiss of Fire for Mars, Singapore Sling for Saturn, Screwdriver for Citrine, Blue Sapphire for Sapphire (how original), Matador for Papyrus, and a Godfather for himself.  
As he placed the last drink on the table, Cloud realized he was forgetting someone.

“don’t worry Swapfell Papyrus, i didn’t forget about you.” Cloud said as he placed a glass with ice and a brown liquid in it in front of Swapfell Papyrus.

Swapfell Papyrus sniffed the beverage with his… nosehole before he took a swig. “let me guess, caramel liqueur?”

“yep. a tall skeleton told me that you liked caramel, so I got some caramel liqueur while i was out.”

“thanks.” 

With all of the drinks passed out, Cloud could now sit down and start eating too.

“y’know…” Swapfell Papyrus began “i kind of want a nickname now. you guys saying ‘swapfell papyrus’ just seems weird and it does not roll off the tongue well whatsoever.”

“BROTHER, WE DON’T EVEN HAVE TONGUES!” Swapfell Sans interrupted.

“it’s just a figure of speech, i didn’t mean it literally.”

A sinister idea then popped into Saturn’s head as he spoke up “what are you two talking about? of course we have tongues!”

‘where is he going with this?’ Swapfell Papyrus wondered.

Saturn then conjured up his magical red tongue “swapfell papyrus… yeah, it does not roll off the tongue well at all.” 

“HOW DID YOU DO THAT?” Swapfell Sans asked, just as Saturn had expected.

“it’s pretty simple once you get used to it. just imagine yourself having a tongue and focus the magic towards your mouth. Similar story goes for other body parts.” Saturn then conjured up a magic red hand in the air to demonstrate.

“and now gentlemen, i present to you the laziest way to eat ever.”

Saturn then leaned back in his chair, mouth wide open and tongue laying out as his floating red hand slowly picked up a hotdog and glided it into his mouth slowly. The incredibly suggestive nature of the entire process made Swapfell Papyrus cringe.

Swapfell Papyrus then noticed how the other skeletons were processing this. Cloud was rolling his eyes in pure disbelief as Phoenix had a somewhat confused expression. Sapphire and Citrine were both blushing and staring intently, with Citrine having his eyeballs popping out. Mars was an even worse version of Citrine at this moment as he was not just blushing and staring with popping eyeballs, but he also had a seriously bad nosebleed right now.

Swapfell Papyrus then saw his brother’s expression, which was very... neutral? Swapfell Sans was staring through squinted eye sockets. It didn’t look like he picked up on the suggestive nature at least, thank God.

Swapfell Papyrus then looked back at Saturn. Good Lord, was he dragging this out. Could he possibly be more suggestive?

Almost as if Saturn could read his mind, he winked at Swapfell Papyrus and let out a soft moan. It was quiet enough that it could be played off as sloppy eating, but still loud enough that everyone at the table could hear it.

CRASH!

Everyone’s skull suddenly turned to where Mars was sitting, then to the shards of glass at the floor.

“SO- SORRY…” he apologized.

Cloud sighed. “that’s the third glass this month mars, and you’ve only had a meal at Phoenix’s house six times this month.”

“I SAID I WAS SORRY!” Mars said as he tried to clean up the glass shards.

Now it was Saturn’s turn to sigh.

“alright, what’s the damage this time cloud?”

“unfortunately, that was one of the nicer glasses, so about 5 gold.”

Saturn grumbled as he forked over the money. He was so focused on pushing Swapfell Papyrus over the edge that he forgot about his brother’s tendency to unintentionally drop whatever he was holding when Saturn was in ‘sexual harassment mode’ as Cloud so eloquently put it after one incident. Saturn was planning to be more direct after he finished inhaling the hot dog, but Mars just threw that plan under the table. Saturn considered saying “no sex for a week ya’ klutzy bones” but then he remembered how Swapfell Sans was oblivious to what he was really trying to accomplish. No, he had to be less direct in front of Swapfell Sans he realized. Swapfell Sans was still an unknown variable to the equation, and if he was anything like Mars, then who knows how he’ll react if he pushes Swapfell Papyrus too hard in front of him. 

Man, if he applied half of the thought he put into science stuff as he did to pointless stuff like this, he probably would have found a way to get Gaster back by now.

‘ah well, the chase is what makes this so fun anyway.’ he remembered as he plotted his next move while eating in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was very... hard to write ;)


	6. A story behind the nicknames for the Underswap brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you really want a summary, just read the chapter title.

“WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?” Phoenix asked, now that everyone had finally snapped out from watching the ‘tongue performance’ Saturn gave. 

“i think that swapfell papyrus was asking about nicknames, right?” Cloud recalled.

Swapfell Papyrus spoke up “yes... that’s what we were talking about before the... anatomy lesson.” 

“what, was there a problem with it swap papy?” Saturn asked, clearly baiting him.

Swapfell Papyrus saw through the bait however “well it did cause someone to break a glass.” 

“i’ll make sure that my brother isn’t around next time then.” Saturn fired back.

“HEY! IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT-” Mars began before being interrupted by Swapfell Sans. “IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THE GLASS YOU WERE HOLDING FELL FROM YOUR HAND, HIT THE GROUND, AND SHATTERED? DOES THAT MEAN IF A CAR YOU WERE DRIVING CRASHED INTO A WALL, IT WOULD BE THE WALL’S FAULT?”

Mars opened his mouth briefly before closing it again, clearly unable to come up with an excuse. He was not having a good time today.

“THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. NOW, WHERE WERE WE? AH YES, NICKNAMES. CITRINE, YOU PROMISED TO TELL ME THE STORY WITH YOU AND YOUR BROTHER’S NICKNAMES.”

“well, i didn’t ‘promise’ specifically, but that’s fine. you and your brother should know the stories of all our nicknames anyway so that you two can find a good one for each other, cuz saying ‘swapfell sans’ and ‘swapfell papyrus’ all the time is a mouthful, as we all just witnessed.” Citrine gave a quick wink to Saturn who gave a short laugh at the horrible pun before continuing. “me and sapphire went to a shopping mall on the surface one day with the alphys, undyne, and napstabot of our universe. all five of us went into the jewelry store with me and sapphire looking at some stones while the other three looked at wedding rings for alphys and undyne. once they were done, they joined me and sapphire in looking at stones. at one point, napstabot pointed out a citrine stone and a sapphire and said... what did he say sapphire?”

“I THINK HE SAID THAT THEY WOULD LOOK ‘FAR OUT’ ON US!”

“yeah, that’s right. me and sapphire wanted to get something with them, but we had only been on the surface for a little over a month at this point and didn’t want to spend a whole lot of money on stuff like jewelry at the time, so we left empty handed. that didn’t stop napstaton from intervening however.”

“WHAT DID HE DO?” Swapfell Sans asked.

“i’m getting to that. a week after the mall trip, napstabot showed up at me and sapphire’s house, with two presents in hand, one for me and sapphire. we both open them to find two necklaces made from citrine and sapphire stones. apparently, napstabot knows a monster, who knows a human, who has a brother that knows another monster whose father started a jewelry business with a human recently to make magical jewelry. it’s some high quality stuff.”

“WHY AREN’T YOU TWO WEARING THEM THEN? ISN’T THAT THE WHOLE POINT OF JEWELRY?” Swapfell Sans asked.

“normally, we are wearing them, but we dropped them off at the jeweler’s to get cleaned. it’s pretty rare that either of us take the necklaces off, which means that they can get, uh, really dirty sometimes…” Citrine trailed off as he looked away with a nervous expression with Saturn chuckling a little.

‘what does he mean by tha-’ Swapfell Papyrus thought before he put the pieces together. He then made a mental note that the Swapfell brothers were probably just as bad as the Underfell brothers in the sin department. That poor jewelry cleaner was definitely going to have a hard time…

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT CAN GET REALLY DIRTY SOMETIMES? HOW DO YOU EVEN GET A NECKLACE DIRTY?”

‘oh brother, why do you have to be so oblivious right now?’ Swapfell Papyrus thought to himself.

“um… me and sapphire sometimes…” Citrine struggled to find a non-perverted example of how two necklaces could get dirty. It was not easy.

“they sometimes can be really clumsy and spill my magical drinks all over themselves. magic residue is a bitch to clean out, which is why it takes the jewelry cleaner such a long time to clean it.” Cloud explained.

“yes, that’s what happened right sapphire?” Citrine said after mouthing a ‘thank you’ to Cloud for the save.

“OH, YES, NOW I REMEMBER! HA, ALCOHOL CERTAINLY DOESN’T HELP YOUR SENSE OF BALANCE!” Sapphire agreed nervously.

At this point, Swapfell Sans finally noticed that they weren’t giving him the full truth, but he didn’t care. After all, could you really be hiding a huge secret by lying about why your jewelry was dirty? He didn’t really care if they lied about something that appeared to be so insignificant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, the true reason why they got the necklaces dirty is, well, due to dirty activities...


	7. Exposition time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for you all to learn the truth on the current state of fontcest in this tale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since Swapfell Sans and Papyrus are joining a multiverse in which fontcest has already been occurring for several months, I thought that it was appropriate for you all to get some backstory on it. The way it works among my group of skeletons is a bit different from some of the other multiverse stories, which I hope that you guys can appreciate. Stay tuned for more!

“SO SATURN, WHAT’S THE STORY BEHIND THE NICKNAMES FOR YOU AND YOUR BROTHER THEN?” Swapfell Sans asked.

 

“well, i’d like to say that there was some sappy brotherly love story like the underswap brothers, but the reality is a whole lot simpler. shortly after meeting the underswap skeletons, all six of us realized that using a basic color palette for a nickname system wouldn’t work if there were dozens of variations of us. as a result, me, mars, and the frisk of my universe did some brainstorming to find some good nicknames that were a bit more sophisticated than color coding. after a bit of research, my frisk named me and my brother saturn and mars. i liked the astrological elements of my name while mars liked the idea of being named after a god.” Saturn explained.

 

Swapfell Sans glanced at Mars. Of course that arrogant bastard liked the idea of being named after a god. Yeesh, it almost felt like that guy was trying his best to be the exact type of person Swapfell Sans did not get along with.

 

“IS EVERYBODY DONE EATING?” Phoenix asked.

 

“yep.” “YEAH!” “uh huh.” “YES.” “pretty much.” “YUP!” “more or less.” the other skeletons replied.

 

Phoenix spoke up again “ALRIGHT THEN! I SHALL CLEAN UP WHILE THE REST OF YOU ENJOY YOURSELVES!”

 

Cloud stayed behind as the other six skeletons left for the living room.

 

“WHAT IS IT SANS? I JUST SAID THAT I COULD DO THE CLEANING.”

 

“i just figured you could use just a little help.” Cloud said as he used his blue magic to gather up all the dishes and put them next to the sink.

 

“WELL, THANK YOU THEN.”

 

Cloud continued the conversation as he helped Phoenix with the dishes “so, what do you think about the swapfell brothers?”

 

“WELL, THE PAPYRUS SEEMS ALRIGHT, EVEN IF HE SEEMS A LITTLE DISTANT AT TIMES. HE REMINDS ME A LITTLE OF WHAT SATURN USED TO BE LIKE BEFORE HE BECAME...”

 

“the skeleton no one could keep their hands off of?”

 

“EXACTLY! ONCE SATURN STARTED TO BE VIEWED AS DESIRABLE BY MARS AND THE UNDERSWAP SKELETONS, ALL THREE OF THEM HAVE BEEN WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER! THE POWER WENT STRAIGHT TO HIS HEAD!”

 

“which one?”

 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHICH ONE? HE ONLY HAS ONE-” Phoenix began before he saw his brother’s shit-eating grin. “THAT WAS HORRIBLE AND LEWD SANS!”

 

“you’re smiling though.”

 

“I KNOW AND I HATE IT! ”

 

The two brothers went back to cleaning in silence until Phoenix picked the conversation up again “I HOPE THAT SWAPFELL ME AND YOU DON’T END UP FALLING FOR HIM. THAT WOULD BE THE WORST.”

 

“i hope not. i’m kinda worried about swapfell me though.”

 

“SWAPFELL SANS? WHY? HE SEEMED VERY ASSERTIVE TOWARDS MARS, AND HE DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE TYPE TO FALL FOR SATURN’S TRICKS.”

 

“isn’t the whole ‘tough guy’ thing what we thought about mars at first though? after a while though, it became painfully obvious that he was more bark than bite. besides, any possibilities swapfell sans may be like mars isn’t what worries me.”

 

“THEN WHAT DOES WORRY YOU?”

 

“didn’t it seem kind of weird that swapfell sans appeared to have no idea that he could conjure up a magical tongue?”

 

“OH, THAT’S RIGHT. BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?”

 

“well, if he doesn’t have any idea on how to conjure up a tongue then…” It took Phoenix a while before he realized the implications.

 

“YOU MEAN… HE DOESN’T REALIZE HE HAS A DICK?”

 

Cloud could not help but have a fit of laughter at his younger brother saying that. “HEY! I’M BEING DEAD SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!”

 

“dead serious. nice one bro.”

 

“UGHHHHH!” Phoenix groaned in frustration.

After he stopped laughing, Sans was able to go back into serious mode “but seriously, if he had no idea about the tongue, then i can’t see him having a clue on how sex works for magical skeletons. maybe his brother fed him a lie on it or something. i don’t know, and i certainly am not going to ask either of them about it. either way, all signs point to him being a virgin, and we both know that saturn just loves to deflower them.”

 

“WHAT SHOULD WE DO THEN?”

 

“i’m afraid there isn’t much we can do. if either swapfell brother really wants to bone someone, we can’t really stop them. for now, let’s just make sure that they don’t have any orgies in our house while we aren’t looking.”

 

“ALL RIGHT. LET’S JUST FINISH THESE DISHES BEFORE RETURNING TO OUR GUESTS.”

 

“ok.”

 

Meanwhile, in the living room…

 

The other six skeletons were all watching a Mettaton show. Since Swapfell Sans and Papyrus were from Swapfell, neither had any idea who the robot was. “so, the robot here is…” Swapfell Papyrus knew that the robot was not a Napstaton, but he wasn’t aware who else it could be.

 

Citrine explained “in the undertale universe, which we are in now, the ghost that you guys might know as happstablook ended up possessing a robotic body that was built by this universe’s alphys. it’s a similar story for the underfell universe, but with more violent content on that robot’s tv shows. understand?”

 

“yeah, i think so. that would mean that the robot built by undyne in your universe was possessed by the ghost napstablook just like in swapfell right? er, but a whole lot less murdery…”

 

“pretty much. well, it looks like you have a pretty good idea on how our universes vary now at least.”

 

While Citrine and Swapfell Papyrus were talking about the intricacies of multiple universes of the Multiverse, the three Sanses were all hogging the couch and talking about nothing of substance. Mars was busy sulking in a corner as he watched everybody else have more fun than he was having.

 

“YEOWIE! YOU LIKE TACOS TOO SWAPFELL ME?” Sapphire asked.

 

Swapfell Sans replied “YES, BUT I HAVE BEEN FACING A MORAL CONUNDRUM THAT HAS BEEN TEARING ME APART WHENEVER I BUY THE INGREDIENTS FOR THEM.”

 

“WHAT IS IT? IS IT DECIDING THE CORRECT CHEESE TO MEAT RATIO?

 

“NO! IT’S MUCH WORSE THAN THAT!”

 

“WHAT IS IT THEN?”

 

“I CAN NEVER DECIDE WHETHER TO BUY HARD OR SOFT SHELLS!”

 

“OH NO! TRULY, THAT IS THE GREATEST TRAGEDY FOR ALL TACO CHEFS!”

 

“can’t you just use both?” Saturn suggested.

 

“SATURN?”

 

“yes swapfell me?”

 

“YOU ARE A GENIUS!” Swapfell Sans said as he pulled Saturn into a hug that quickly turned into a group hug with Sapphire joining.

 

After around five seconds, Swapfell Sans got out of his emotional state and broke the hug “OH, SORRY SATURN! I CAN SOMETIMES GET A BIT EMOTIONAL ABOUT THINGS I CARE ABOUT.”

 

“it’s fine. hugging is hardly scandalous among us.”

 

Swapfell Papyrus couldn’t help but cringe a little at that comment. He then realized that he needed to get some information on how he was supposed to handle a very suggestive skeleton for the rest of the day.

 

“hey, citrine?”

 

“yeah?”

 

“do you want to take a smoke break?” in a quieter tone, he added “i need to talk to you in private.”

 

“sure.” Citrine complied, wondering what seemed so important that Swapfell Papyrus talk to him about it in private.

 

The two tall skeletons went to the backyard and lit up their cigarettes before resuming the conversation.

 

“i wanted to ask you an important question about the six of you guys as a group.”

 

“sure. what is it?”

 

“i can’t believe i’m asking this…” Swapfell Papyrus groaned in frustration before continuing “are you guys all banging or something? it feels like i’ve been seeing a whole lot of signs that you guys are.”

 

Citrine gave an exasperated sigh before answering “well… yeah, we kinda are.”

 

“...alright then. i’ll be back in a sec, stay right here please.”

 

“what are you-” but Swapfell Sans had teleported before Citrine could finish.

 

‘huh, wonder where he went’ Citrine mused before he saw a light burst in the distant at Mt. Ebott. ‘ah, that must be his way of coping with the shock of realizing that your new friends are incestuous freaks.’ Citrine realized.

 

Shortly after the light went away, Swapfell Papyrus came back “sorry about that. i felt like i was about to explode and thought it was necessary to let off some steam.”

 

A period of silence and smoking followed before Citrine spoke up again “so... any more questions?”

 

“well... how does the relationship stuff work for you guys? are any of you getting serious or something?”

 

“oh no, nothing like that. the four of us incestuous and self-loving skeletons are all currently single. we all just enjoy some casual stuff sometimes. in the past, we’ve dated each other, but the current consensus among all four of us is that none of us are each other's soul mates. i think saturn described our current situation as ‘brothers with benefits’ once.”

 

“wait... four of you? unless i was hallucinating, i’m pretty sure there was six of you guys at lunch not including me and my brother.”

 

“oh sorry! i forgot a crucial detail of all of this, neither cloud or phoenix have participated in any of the incest to my knowledge.”

 

“what’s their story then?”

 

“to my knowledge, cloud is dating the toriel of his universe. phoenix... is a different story.”

 

“how so?”

 

“while he’s willing to date pretty much anybody who asks him out, it’ll never last. he actually dated my brother sapphire a couple of times before they broke it off. phoenix hasn’t dated a sans or a papyrus since then to my knowledge.”

 

“okay, one more question.”

 

“shoot.”

 

“is there a way to get saturn to stop sexually harassing me?”

 

Citrine took a long drag of his cigarette before replying “probably not. once that guy has a target on his radar, he will not stop until he gets what he wants.”

 

“which is?”

 

“that, i am not sure of. maybe he’s trying to seduce you. maybe he just feels like messing with you. whatever the case, his methods are crude, but very effective.”

 

“surely sexual harassment cannot be an effective way to get some action.”

 

“you’d be surprised. he has a pretty good track record when it comes to getting people to do what he wants. he somehow managed to take sapphire’s virginity.”

 

“wait, seriously? the innocent looking one?”

 

“yeah. i don’t know how, but he has this weird effect on people that brings out their more mysterious side. by the way, can i ask you a question now?”

 

“alright, what is it citrine?”

 

“have you ever had any feelings for your brother?”

 

Swapfell Papyrus suddenly felt like he had been hit by a truck. Of all the questions Citrine could have asked, he picked the one that made Swapfell Papyrus feel like his sins were crawling on his back for even considering. “well... i do know that i love him as a brother but... i’ve never seriously thought that we could be something more.”

 

“you aren’t answering my question.” Citrine pointed out.

 

“alright fine! i have considered taking things a bit further with him but... i just don’t want to ruin what we have right now. before the barrier broke, he was the only one i cared about for such a long time. i never felt close to anyone else whatsoever back when my universe operated as a ‘kill or be killed’ world. no resets anymore means that everything i do counts, and i can’t afford to gamble losing my little brother just for the odd chance that he might feel the same way.”

 

Citrine finished off his cigarette before replying “i can understand your apprehension. i felt the same way towards sapphire when the question came up for me. whatever you decide to do, your choice is yours alone, and i won’t judge you for it.”

 

“thanks. okay, i think we’re done now, let’s go back inside. the idea of leaving my brother in the same room with saturn worries me a bit.”

 

“heh, funny you should mention that.” Citrine said.

 

“what is it?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

  
“if you don’t act quickly and your brother doesn’t mind the whole incest or even selfcest thing, then there’s a pretty good chance that someone else might sweep him up.” and with a wink, Citrine went back into the house leaving Swapfell Papyrus outside speechless.


	8. The 4 versions of Sans have way too much fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, there isn't an orgy. Yet.
> 
> Disclaimer: This chapter includes content from a children's card game. If you are above 111 years old, you need your grandchildren's permission to read this chapter. That is all.

After recovering from his initial shock caused by Citrine’s statement, Swapfell Papyrus followed him back in the house to the living room with the other skeletons. At this point, Cloud and Phoenix were done with cleaning up the mess from lunch earlier that day and had joined the others in the living room.

 

Phoenix noticed them and spoke up “THERE YOU TWO ARE! NOW THAT EVERYONE IS HERE IT’S TIME TO START SOME GAMES! FOLLOW ME EVERYONE!”

 

Everyone followed Phoenix into the kitchen, where a few card and board games were laid out. “ALRIGHT, WHAT WOULD YOU ALL LIKE TO PLAY?” Phoenix asked. 

 

Everyone looked around the table, trying to decide what to play until Sapphire spoke up “HOW ABOUT WE PLAY UNO?”

 

“ALRIGHT, THAT’S ONE VOTE FOR UNO. ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS?” Phoenix asked.

 

But nobody objected to the suggestion, so all eight of them took their seats as Phoenix shuffled then passed out the cards and explained the rules to the Swapfell brothers. The turn order was decided to start with Phoenix, then Saturn, Swapfell Papyrus, Sapphire, Mars, Swapfell Sans, Citrine, and finally ending with Cloud. They would use a reverse scoring system based on which cards remained in the player's’ hands at the end of a round. The more useful cards players held would yield higher amounts of points. The player with the lowest amount of points at the end would be the winner.

 

“ALL RIGHT, IS EVERYONE READY?” Phoenix asked.

 

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

 

“ALL RIGHT THEN! LET US BEGIN!” Phoenix exclaimed as he laid down his first card…

 

(A note from the Shady Penguin: If you uncultured swine don’t know how to play Uno, you can skip most of this.)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Around five minutes later, the first round looked like it was about to close. Citrine was ahead with only two cards left while everyone else had somewhere between three and six cards in their hand. “uno.” Citrine said as he put down a wild card. “the color is now yellow.” Unless something out of the ordinary happened, it looked like Citrine was about to win the round.

 

‘looks like it’s almost done.’ Swapfell Papyrus thought until he caught something out of the corner of his eye socket. He wasn’t sure but he could’ve sworn he caught Cloud giving a nod of approval to Sapphire. ‘weird.’ What would happen next was something that was about as expected as the Spanish Inquisition bursting through the door. 

 

“sorry bro.” Cloud said as he laid down a yellow skip card.

 

Next, Saturn played a yellow draw two card. “i’d say i’m sorry, but that would be lying.” 

 

Swapfell Papyrus grumbled as he picked up the two cards reluctantly. One of them was a reverse card, but with six cards now in his hand, his chances of winning were still slim.

 

It was now Sapphire’s turn, who appeared to be deep in thought. Before playing his card however, Sapphire got up to the cabinet where Cloud stored the liquor bottles. “HEY SANS, DO YOU THREE WANT ANYTHING?

 

“I DON’T KNOW, JUST GET A WHOLE BUNCH OF BOTTLES AND SHOT GLASSES OUT.” Swapfell Sans yelled across the room.

 

“COULDN’T YOU HAVE GOTTEN SOMETHING BEFORE YOUR-” Mars began to speak.

 

But as usual, Swapfell Sans interrupted “EXCUSE ME? HE DIDN’T ASK YOU A GODDAMN THING! IF HE WANTS TO TAKE HIS TIME WITH HIS TURN IT’S HIS OWN DAMN DECISION! NOW SHUT UP WHILE HE PICKS HIS POISON!” 

 

Sapphire was gathering some shot glasses as he asked “IS RED CURACAO ALRIGHT WITH YOU THREE?” 

 

“I’M OKAY WITH IT, WHAT ABOUT YOU TWO?” 

 

Saturn answered “red is good, but i’d actually prefer some blue curacao right now, what about you cloud?” 

 

Cloud replied “same, how about we have some blue first, then red?”

 

“THAT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, IS THAT OKAY SWAPFELL ME?”

 

“THAT’S FINE.” he replied.

 

After passing out the blue shots, Sapphire finally took his turn. The card was... the dreaded draw four wild card. Mars looked like he was about to explode. “THE COLOR IS NOW BLUE.” Sapphire said.

 

Swapfell Sans’s turn now. This time, the card was a measly blue four. After that, he gulped down his blue shot.

 

Citrine had neither a four nor a blue card, so he had to draw. It was a green nine, so he couldn’t use it right now.

 

This time, Cloud used a blue draw two. Just like Swapfell Sans, he gulped down his shot.

 

Next, Saturn used a blue skip. As expected, he drank his shot after his turn. 

 

At this point, Swapfell Papyrus was now fully aware of what was happening. While he was outside talking and smoking with Citrine, the four Sanses must have thought of a plan to screw over their brothers in a children’s card game. They must have saved up their special cards until one Papyrus had only one card left. That whole spiel about Sapphire going up to get the four of them something to drink was just a discussion on how to use the wild cards. ‘those sneaky little bastards…’ he thought bitterly.

 

Sapphire was up now. This time, he used a blue skip and drank his shot.

 

“AH, WHAT A SHAME, ALL I HAVE IS…” Swapfell Sans began as he laid down a wild card. “THIS. THE COLOR IS NOW RED.” 

 

Citrine didn’t have a red card, so he was forced to draw again. He drew a yellow two, which he couldn’t use, again.

 

Before taking his turn, Cloud used his magic to pour the four short skeletons some red shots. This time, Cloud put down a red nine and drunk his shot afterwards. 

 

Phoenix was up now and was ‘nyehehehe-ing’ a bit. At last, he could finally put down a card! While he had a few red cards in his hand, he decided that messing up the plan the Sanses were executing was more important. So, he decided to use a wild card. “THE COLOR IS NOW YELLOW!”

 

Saturn did not have any yellow cards, so he had to draw. He drew a red card, how appropriate.

 

Swapfell Papyrus was up now. He put down a yellow reverse.

 

Saturn still didn’t have any yellow cards, so he drew again. This time he drew a yellow seven, so he could at least put that down now.

 

Phoenix put down a yellow six.

 

Cloud put down… a wild draw four?!? “uno.” he said nonchalantly. “the color is now red.”

 

In the end, nobody else was able to change the color, allowing for Cloud to put down a red three and finish the round. After tallying up the scores, it was clear that every Sans in the room was doing better than the Papyruses. 

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

The next four rounds were more or less the same with one version of Sans getting up to signal the colors with some pointless task right when it looked like a Papyrus was ahead. In the end, Sapphire got first place, Cloud second, Saturn third, Swapfell Sans fourth, Citrine fifth, Swapfell Papyrus sixth, Phoenix seventh, and Mars in dead last.

 

It was now around 5:00 p.m., so Phoenix, Mars, Sapphire, and Swapfell Sans had to start making dinner for eight monsters. The other four skeletons went back to the living room to watch TV and talk as their brothers cooked.

 

“so... does that whole sans cheating in uno thing happen a lot?” Swapfell Papyrus asked Citrine.

 

Citrine replied “they don’t cheat in uno all the time. we sometimes play monopoly instead. that’s when they really get blatantly unfair. those shorties really know how to push the limits of the rules whenever we play a game, i swear.”

 

“can’t you, mars, and phoenix use similar tactics though?”

 

“we could, if mars would stop trying so hard to be the boss about it. every time me and phoenix would plan something, he would disagree and try to make a ‘better’ plan. he tries so hard to be the chessmaster, but he isn’t very good at compromising with others.”

 

‘Ring ring ring’

 

That was Saturn’s phone. “brb guys.” he said as he went upstairs for some privacy to take the call.

 

Closing the door behind him, he looked at the number... which was seven 6’s and no area code??? “hello? who the heck is this?”

 

“Just a voice.” the voice replied. Not only was that a strange answer, but the voice itself was... weird. The voice sounded very strange, like a ghost almost. It was not very loud, and it felt more like something magical than a physical voice. And yet… it seemed oddly familiar.

 

“wait, this is the voice answers when i dial the wrong number isn’t it? what the heck am i supposed to call you then?” Saturn asked.

 

“Nice stealth pun Sansy~. I guess you can call me ‘the operator’ if you want to.”

 

“now who’s the one making puns?” Saturn chuckled in reply “more seriously, why did you call me anyway?”

 

“To make you an offer you can’t refuse.” the voice replied in what had to be the fakest italian accent ever.

 

“i’ll bite. what is it?”

 

“My boss wants to help you out with your flirtatious adventures tonight.”

 

“how so?”

 

“They want to take Cloud out of the picture for the rest of the night.”

 

“my #1 cockblocker? i guess i’d be okay with that as long as he doesn’t get hurt. i like the guy, but his meddling can prove problematic for me at times. what does your boss want in exchange?”

 

“For you to cause as much chaos as possible of course! That’s the whole reason that they’re doing it. To put it simply, they’re criminally bored.”

 

“who are they anyway?”

 

“The penguin that smacked your brother on your way here. They aren’t exactly a big fan of him. Bye Sansy~” And without another word, the mysterious voice hung up, leaving Saturn dumbfounded.


	9. A Kidnapping?!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shady Penguin does not hold back when he means business!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the title is a dumb pun.

“Come back here you dirty kidnappers!” An enraged voice from outside hollered, gathering the attention of the four skeletons in the living room.

 

“the hell is going on?” Swapfell Papyrus asked in confusion.

 

Citrine went to the front door “i’ll see what all the hoopla is about. it’s probably just some kids role playing.”

 

As he opened the front door, what Citrine saw didn’t exactly fall in line with his expectations. “Guys, you should come here to see this. Now.”

 

Realizing that Citrine was serious enough to use proper capitalization, the other three rushed outside to find… Chara of Swapfell chasing three polar bear monsters that were kidnapping Frisk!!! 

 

Immediately, the four skeletons jumped into the fray, summoning bones to block the kidnappers’ escape route. 

 

Unable to run away, the polar bears turned around to face their pursuers who were now face to face with them.

 

Chara spoke first. “I won’t ask you rejects from Ice Age again, hand over my friend!”

 

To which the leader of the Polar Bears, who was holding Frisk and wearing a black necktie, replied “Not until our demands are met.”

 

Just as the bear finished speaking, his cohorts used blue magic to shove Chara and the skeletons away to buy time while the leader used his cell phone to call for help. “Operator, we asked for the Polar Express five minutes ago and we really need it now.” The voice answered “It’s on the way, hold tight for two seconds.”

 

Around two seconds later, the Polar Express, a bullet and magic proof car, raced in with the speed of a bullet train. If the polar bears weren’t kidnapping a human, they’d be very concerned about speeding tickets right now.

 

“Cover our escape.” the leader ordered his subordinates. While Chara and the skeletons were still recovering from the blue magic shove, two other polar bears conjured water and a giant block of dry ice before combining the two. The combination caused an immediate reaction of a mist-like fog appearing, concealing the kidnappers as they got in the car and drove off.

 

“Damnit!” an enraged Chara yelled as they all realized that they had lost their chance to get Frisk back.

 

“Chara.” Cloud said in his rarely used serious voice.

 

“Yeah, I know you guys are all probably confused. We all were when they burst in the house unexpectedly. Me and Toriel can explain.”

 

At this point, a huffing and puffing Toriel had finally caught up. “Did they... take... my child?”

 

“Those polar bears caught us off guard with their blue magic before calling for help in the form of a getaway car. They were far more powerful and organized than I expected.” Cloud explained.

 

Now it was Cloud’s turn to ask a question “What the hell happened Tori?”

 

“It all started about 15 minutes ago…” Toriel and Chara remembered… 

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Frisk and Chara were watching some movies while Toriel was busy with preparing dinner.

 

“Well, that movie was... different huh Frisk?” Frisk nodded in agreement. The two had watched a historical fiction mockumentary movie,  _ The Absolutely True History Of Countries Starting With The Letter A _ .

 

Toriel poked her head in the living room to ask a question. “Children, we will be having chicken for dinner tonight. Would you like it fried, or boiled?”

 

“Fried.” both humans said in unison. Frisk didn’t always talk, but when they did, it was for very important conversations.

 

Toriel left the room to get back to cooking as the two kids talked. “I’m glad that you agree with me. Chicken looks a whole lot better in the shape of fries than it does with nasty boils on it. Eughhh…”

 

Frisk agreed by making a :P face in agreement. Frisk didn’t always change their facial expression from their normal -_- face, but when they did-

 

“Hey, narrator, can you please hurry up with your overly long exposition please? This is Undertale, not Metal Gear Solid 4.” Saturn rudely interrupted.

 

I was just about to get to that you lazybones. Just let me do my job. Yeesh...

 

Chara and Frisk went back to discussing the movie. “But you know what the weirdest thing about the movie was?” Chara half-asked Frisk who merely gave their signature -_- look back along with a slightly tilted head. “It was weird that of all the A countries that could launch a nuke, it would be Antarctica that did it of all places. I know it’s just a stupid movie, but I didn’t expect a tiny irrelevant territory that isn’t even a country in real life that is crammed at the bottom of every map to end it all. Weird ending.”

 

Suddenly, the door bursted open with the three polar bears sliding in!

 

“Nobody expects the Antarcticans to do anything!” said one of the bears, this one wearing a red necktie.

 

“Who the hell are you guys supposed to be?” A bewildered Chara asked.

 

“We are agents of Antarctica! And our emperor...” he points to Frisk “wants us to capture you!”

 

“Papyrus, is that you?” Toriel had heard the commotion and went to the living room to find this odd scene playing out.

 

“Papyrus, don’t you think it’s a little bit early for Halloween? It’s summer right now dear.” said a very confused Toriel.

 

The red tie wearing polar bear spoke once more “Madam, I am not whoever this ‘Papyrus’ is and I assure you, I am very serious about my work as an agent for the empire. In fact, I am so serious-”

 

“Don’t polar bears live in the North Pole, not the South Pole? And since when is Antarctica a country?” Chara interrupted.

 

The blue necktie wearing polar bear whispered to his red tie wearing associate “Mayen, I think that they’re onto us.”

 

“I’m starting to think that announcing our presence was a bad idea Jan…” the red tie wearer whispered back.

 

“Don’t we have a job to do gentlebears?” The black tie wearing polar bear reminded his subordinates. They nodded back in agreement.

 

“Then let’s cut to the chase.” The millisecond and a half he finished his sentence, he suddenly used his blue gravity magic to pull Frisk into his large hand. Immediately after he did that, he beelined out of the house.

 

At once, Chara and Toriel sprang into action!

  
  
  


Protective instincts and adrenaline setting in, both immediately attacked the two bears who were now blocking the doorway. Toriel used a basic fireball attack while Chara rushed at them with their knife at the ready.

 

However, the bears were no slouches either as they prepared their own attacks with water magic.

 

Jan and Mayen used Splash. It’s super effective! The water fizzled Toriel’s flames while causing Chara to slip up and fall on their face.

 

Knowing that they only had to escape to win now, the two bears made haste to leave and join their boss who was also running away at top speed.

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

“And that’s what happened.” Toriel and Chara finished.

 

“well, we at least know one thing now.” Cloud said.

 

“What’s that?” Chara asked.

 

“whoever these kidnappers are, they sound like total loonies.”

 

“what did they even want so badly that they’d kidnap a kid for?” Saturn asked.

 

“They never even said what they wanted! While I’m pretty sure that they would make ludicrous demands for a human with magical potential like Frisk who also happens to be an ambassador for monsters, I at least expected them to tell us what their ransom demands were before they did it.” Chara bemoaned.

 

“great, now what?” a frustrated Citrine asked in frustration.

 

Precisely two thirds of a second later, Cloud’s phone started ringing an obnoxious and loud strange tone.

(It sounds like this atrocity of a ringtone  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5CnaZemxA4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5CnaZemxA4) )

 

Cautiously, Cloud pulled out his phone “guys... that’s not my ringtone... and the number is a whole bunch of sixes...”

 

“Don’t just stand there man, answer it!” Chara pressed.

 

“i’ll put them on speaker for you guys.” Cloud said before answering. “hello?” Cloud cautiously answered.

 

“Hello Cloud. This is your kidnapper’s assistant speaking.” 

 

‘that voice…’ Cloud thought as he remembered. “you’re the wrong number guy aren’t you? just what the hell are you doing?”

 

“Just following my boss’s orders. He pays very well, I must say. By the way, you shouldn’t get too mad. The boss certainly wouldn’t want his agents to rough up one of his idols. If either of the polar bears hurts Frisk intentionally, they would be fired and imprisoned effective immediately.”   
  


“then why exactly did he order his goons to kidnap frisk anyway?”

 

“To make sure that you follow through on his demands.”

 

“which are?”

 

“Nothing fancy. You just have to go on a date with him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "dog ending" from the Neutral Route was the main inspiration for this chapter. I figured that the dog ending would have some absurdity that reaches levels of high holy hell over time if the Annoying Dog as president wasn't so lazy. Fortunately for you readers, the Shady Penguin is not lazy, and is even more blatantly absurd.
> 
> And before you ask, yes, he would launch a nuke against every other country without hesitation if provoked. The exception would be Atlantis, but that's not important right now.


	10. Finding Frisk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reluctantly, Cloud is forced to go on a date with the Shady Penguin so that the others can rescue Frisk from the clutches of the Antarctica Agents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't like this chapter as much as the last one. I know that some of you guys like the Shady Penguin, but he's kinda hard to write. *Shrug*
> 
> Who knew playing god would be so difficult?

“WHAT!” Everyone said in unison. It was a good thing Cloud put the call on speaker.

 

“is this a joke or something?” a very surprised Cloud asked.

 

The Operator answered “Not at all. He’s been very lonely since his most recent divorce.”

 

“Most recent?” Toriel chimed in.

 

“Oh yeah, the Shady Penguin has been married 100 times I believe.”

 

“Who the hell gets married 100 times?” Chara interrupted.

 

“Someone who is really old that wants lots and lots of kids, that’s who. His palace is absolutely packed to the brim with his heirs.”

 

“if this guy is straight, then why does he want to go on a date with a straight dude currently dating the queen of monsters?” Sans inquired.

 

“Who said he was straight? I just told you he got married 100 times. Just because he marries females exclusively does not limit him to other relationships.”

 

“but how would he be…” Citrine trailed off.

It took everyone else a moment to realize the implications. Chara was the first to ask what everyone was thinking. “Does this penguin guy sleep around more than Saturn?”

 

Saturn interrupted “hey! I’m just having a good time with bla bla bla” Saturn continued to justify his man-whorish behavior while The Operator continued “Not exactly. While the Shady Penguin’s libido is far too massive to be satisfied by a single female penguin, his polygamy is no secret as he has a harem that also lives in the royal palace. Anyone who marries him knows that they’re marrying a depraved, polygamous, bisexual, Emperor, emperor penguin that defies the laws of the world whenever he feels like it.

 

“hang on, you only mentioned females, where are the dudes in this equation?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“Didn’t you listen? I already told you he has a harem. I never said there were only females in said harem.”

 

Cloud continued the conversation “alright, so why does he want to go on a date with me then? from what i understand, he only married females and i’m too straight to sleep with him.”

 

“He changes his answer every time someone asks him.” The Operator then cleared their throat before continuing in a bad impression of a penguin’s voice “I’m doing it because he’s cool. I want to date him to learn more about him. It would be interesting. The girls in my harem love him. The guys in my harem love him. I just want to see the stupid scandals it would cause.” The Operator then went back to their regular voice “Do you see where I’m going with this? The guy simply thinks and works in mysterious ways.”

 

Cloud replied “yeah, i do. still, i thought that you would at least know more about him considering that you work for him and all.”

 

“I usually just play the role of messenger and/or translator for him. Nothing more, nothing less. Most of what I know is stuff that I read about him or by talking to people who are close to him. I don’t really talk to the guy directly all that much. He can be pretty evasive when you try to ask him about himself, as i just explained.”

 

“soooooo... i suppose i pretty much have to go on this dumb date thing if i want to see frisk again right?” Cloud asked.

 

“You suppose correctly. When the Shady Penguin wants something, he is very much willing to take drastic measures to get what he wants. Just be glad it’s only one date.”

 

“where do i go for this date then?”

 

“It will be at his palace in Antarctica.”

 

“i’m assuming that he probably knows that i can teleport, but i can’t teleport somewhere i’ve never been and i don’t even know if i can teleport all the way over there with my powers anyway.”

 

“Don’t worry, he gave me a backup plan of directions for a shortcut to his palace just in case you can’t teleport there directly. First, you’ll go through the nearest grey door into the multiverse. Then, you’ll have to find a door with the number 6666666. After that, you will go through a maze full of mirrors that will mock you for being fat. Upon finding the end of the maze, you will find an apple with your name on it that you will eat. Once done eating, you will have to fight a ghost of one of his former wives. After that, she will give you more instructions.”

 

“is eating the apple really necessary? that part seems a little pointless compared to the rest of it.” Cloud said.

 

“Alternatively, you could just hitch a ride to the palace with the Shady Penguin.”

 

“where is he right now?”

 

“Sitting right next to where Swapfell Papyrus is standing.”

 

Everyone’s eyes darted around Swapfell Papyrus to find the sunglasses toting emperor penguin that was also an Emperor sitting around and looking bored, as if he had been waiting in line for an hour at an amusement park just like a child would.

 

“Have a nice date Sansy~.” The Operator said before hanging up.

 

Everybody stared at the Shady Penguin.

 

The penguin stared back.

 

What a meaningful conversation!

 

After staring for a full minute, Cloud spoke up “so… your goons will give frisk back if i do this date thing right?”

 

The penguin nodded.

 

Cloud looked back at Toriel “sorry, i wish there was another way.”

 

“It’s quite alright. It is just one date after all.” Toriel replied solemnly.

 

Cloud got his phone back out and tapped away for a bit before approaching Citrine and whispering in his ear “i just forwarded you that email, see if you can find some more information on this guy while i’m gone.”

 

“got it.” Citrine replied.

 

Cloud then walked up to the Shady Penguin “i guess that’s everything then. take me away i guess.”

 

The penguin then held out its flipper

 

“do you want me to hold your hand or something?” Cloud asked, clearly annoyed that he had to put up with this penguin’s shit for the rest of the day.

 

The penguin nodded.

 

“alright, i’ll do it, but i won’t like it…”

 

Reluctantly, Cloud gave the flipper a bony hand, then the penguin suddenly hoisted Cloud up with both flippers to carry him above his head!

 

“what are you-” Cloud began before the penguin waddled away with Cloud in tow at the speed of light, causing a massive wind to form and blow everyone away off the ground for a solid meter (That would be 3.28084 ft. to you uneducated imperialists.)

 

After recovering from the sudden wind, Chara spoke “... I guess that’s one way to travel to Antarctica all the way from the U.S…”

 

“yeah.” Swapfell Papyrus agreed.

 

“How are they supposed to make it over the water though? Swimming?” Chara asked.

 

“personally, i think that the penguin will just run right over the water with how fast he’s going, but who knows? that penguin can defy the laws of nature after all, so it doesn’t really matter.” Saturn commented.

 

“Nevermind that, what about Frisk? Did they say when exactly they would come back?” Toriel asked to no one in particular.

 

Just like magic, Toriel’s phone ringed the same awful tone that plagued Cloud’s phone. Toriel checked the number “It’s all 6’s…” she said before answering “Is this The Operator again?”

 

“Yup. Since Cloud is holding up his end of the bargain and cooperating, Frisk can now return to you. I’ll send you a map to the location where the Antarctica Agents are currently holding them.” After The Operator said that, they hung up and sent an image of a map to Toriel’s phone.

 

Upon seeing the location, Toriel frowned.

 

Chara spoke up “How far away are they Toriel? Their getaway car was pretty fast, so we might need to use some teleporting or use a car to get there if it’s too far away.”

 

“That will not be necessary my child.” Toriel replied.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because they’re only two blocks away where we’re standing. It seems a little lazy for a kidnapper to escape to a location so close by...” And with that, they all started walking.

 

Chara whispered to Swapfell Papyrus “And people say you’re lazy…”

 

To which he replied “cloud was right, we are in fact dealing with total loonies after all.”

 

After a short walk, the human, Boss Monster and three skeletons made it to the house where Frisk was being held. Much to the group’s surprise, the house’s number was not all 6’s, with the actual number being 0421. “This is it.” Toriel verified with the map on her phone. 

 

“so now what?” Saturn asked.

 

Chara stepped towards the front door “Let me take care of this.” they said with DETERMINATION.

 

Chara rang the doorbell, but nobody came. Immediately, Chara rang the doorbell several more times before hearing a voice. “Hang on, give us a second! We heard you the first time!”

 

Chara could hear a large entity move towards the other side of the door before hearing the voice again “What’s the password?”

 

Slightly confused but not surprised, Chara replied “Password? The Operator didn’t mention anything about a password.”

 

“Well, we need a password if you want to get inside.”

 

“Is it ‘open up this door or I will break it down with my bare hands?’”

 

“Close, but not quite.”

 

Chara thought for a bit before trying again “Is it “open up this door or I will break it down with my bear hands?”

 

“Correct!” And with that, the door opened revealing a polar bear wearing a red necktie on his forehead like an improvised bandana. “Well? Are you all just going to stand there or come in?”

 

Chara looked back to their group “Let’s all come in then I guess.”

 

All of them were welcomed in with the red tie wearing polar bear leading them to where Frisk was. Right now, Frisk was being held up in the living room and… playing video games with the blue tie wearing polar bear???   
  


“What.” “what.” Chara and co. said flatly.

 

Frisk and the blue tie-on-forehead wearing polar bear paused their game to look at them.

 

The blue tie wearing bear broke the silence “Oh sorry, do you guys want to play too?”

 

“I do!” The red tie bear chimed in before picking up a controller and sitting down.

 

Chara looked at Frisk who simply shrugged and pointed to a controller, urging them to play. Chara reluctantly complied and joined in on the fun.

 

“This certainly isn’t how I expected a kidnapping scenario to play out…” Toriel commented.

 

“Ms. Toriel?” said a voice from behind. Toriel and the three skeletons turned around to see a polar bear wearing nothing but a black apron with the words ‘best agent in Antarctica’ printed in white. At least he wasn’t pulling the bandana schtick the other two polar bears were doing.

 

After recovering from the odd sight of seeing the head honcho of the kidnappers in such a ridiculous getup, Toriel was able to reply with a simple “Yes?”

 

“Does Frisk have any fish allergies?”

 

‘Good grief, why are these guys so nonchalant after kidnapping someone?’ Toriel wondered.

 

“No, but why are you asking?”

 

“Why, to make dinner of course! Why else do you think I would be wearing an apron?” The polar bear paused briefly before adding “Would you and Chara like to join us for dinner? It’s the least we could do for inconveniencing you all.”

 

Toriel took a minute to decide before speaking “I suppose I could join you if you insist… but at least let me help out a little.”

 

“That’s fine.” The polar bear said before turning to the three skeletons as Toriel went to the kitchen. “As for you three, don’t you all have brothers that are wondering where you are right now?” And with that, he returned to the kitchen while chuckling quietly in a rough voice.

 

Realization hitting their faces the three skeletons immediately understood that their brothers were likely wondering why they were gone without an explanation. Immediately, all three checked their phones. Saturn had 3 messages from Mars, Swapfell Papyrus had 6 messages and a missed call, while Citrine had 14 messages and 3 missed calls. All of them had not noticed before since their phones were on vibrate or silent mode since lunchtime.

  
“we should probably go now huh fellas?” Citrine asked to his two counterparts who quickly nodded in approval. “let’s all take a quick shortcut then.” And with that, all three of them were standing outside Phoenix’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that that's over with, we can finally get back to some sinning skeleton action! 
> 
> Will Saturn make a move on Swapfell Papyrus? (Most likely) Is Swapfell Sans ever going to catch on to how lewd the four fontcest skeletons are? (At the worst possible time, maybe) Tune in next time, on New guys in the Multiverse to find out!
> 
> P.S. How do you guys feel about the other OC characters in the form of The Operator and the three polar bears? Good? Bad?


	11. Exposition time again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do some stuff with the skeletons at first, but I thought that the Shady Penguin and some more multiverse elements should get an exposition chapter since a lot of new stuff was recently introduced. Apologies to the readers who wanted to see Saturn sexually harassing someone this chapter.

Saturn opened the door to the house and walked in with Citrine and Swapfell Papyrus following him “bros, we’re back!” he called.

 

From the other rooms, their brothers called out their names “SANS?!?” “PAPYRUS?!?” “SANS?!?” “PAPYRUS?!?” before rushing to the front door to give them all big, brotherly hugs.

 

After the hugging, all four capital letter using skeletons started bombarding the three lower case users with questions “WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?” “WHY DIDN’T YOU RESPOND TO OUR MESSAGES?” “DID SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN?” “WHY IS CLOUD NOT WITH YOU THREE?”

 

After some explaining of the recent events, the four capital using skeletons understood... sort of.

 

“WELL, AS LONG AS CLOUD WILL BE BACK LATER, THEN IT’S OKAY? I GUESS?” said a nervous and concerned Phoenix.

 

“THAT PENGUIN IS NOT FOLLOWING THE INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE DATING BOOK AT ALL!” Sapphire chimed in.

 

“THAT STUPID BIRD IS REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES NOW. FIRST IT INTERRUPTED ME ON MY WAY HERE, AND NOW THIS.” Mars said.

 

“WAS THAT THE REASON WHY YOU AND SATURN WERE LATE?” Swapfell Sans asked.

 

“YES, I WOULD HAVE EXPLAINED, BUT YOU DIDN’T SEEM TO BE IN THE MOOD FOR AN EXPLANATION AT THE TIME…” Mars remembered how Swapfell Sans blew up at him during lunch.

 

“WELL, EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN RIGHT NOW THEN.” Swapfell Sans pressed.

 

“ALRIGHT, HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED: ME AND SATURN TOOK A GRAY DOOR THAT OPENED TO THE MIDDLE OF TOWN AND WE DECIDED TO WALK THE REST OF THE WAY. ON THE WAY THERE, WE ENCOUNTERED THAT TROUBLESOME PENGUIN WHO WAS STARING AT A PHONE AND TYPING INTENSELY. THE PENGUIN WAS STANDING STILL AND HOGGING THE SIDEWALK, BLOCKING THE WAY. ANNOYED AT THIS, I TOLD THE PENGUIN TO STEP ASIDE. HE REFUSED, AND DID SOMETHING I DID NOT EXPECT.”

 

“WHAT DID HE DO?” Sapphire asked.

 

“HE… BROTHER, WHAT DID HE DO AGAIN EXACTLY? IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST, I’M STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHAT HAPPENED AT THAT MOMENT.”

 

“i’m pretty sure he said ‘how rude’ before sneaking up behind you, slapping you on the ass, tackling you to the ground, and stealing your boots in a very quick fashion.”

 

‘once again, this penguin continues to blow me away in how absurd it can be. just right when i don’t think he can’t possibly top himself in absurdity, he does something that does top it off.’ Swapfell Papyrus thought to himself. 

 

“WAIT, THE PENGUIN ACTUALLY TALKED? HE NEEDED A MESSENGER WHENEVER HE TALKED TO ME AND MY BROTHER DURING THE CAR INCIDENT.”

 

“i suspect that the shady penguin operates in a way similar to the mostly mute frisk. the penguin seems to only want to talk when they really care about something.”

 

Mars continued “ANYWAY, BACK TO WHAT HAPPENED. YES, SATURN’S STORY SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT. AFTER RECOVERING FROM THE SURPRISE ATTACK, I IMMEDIATELY GAVE CHASE TO THE SUNGLASSES TOTING PENGUIN, WHICH WAS NOT EASY CONSIDERING THAT I WAS LACKING PROPER FOOTWEAR AT THE MOMENT. AFTER AROUND 30 MINUTES OF INTENSE CHASING, THE BIRD STOPPED ABRUPTLY OUT OF NOWHERE, PUT DOWN MY BOOTS, AND JUST WADDLED AWAY AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.”

 

“do you know why he stopped?” Citrine asked.

 

“NO. ONCE I RETRIEVED MY BOOTS, I LOOKED UP TO YELL AT THAT PENGUIN, BUT IT WAS ALREADY GONE!”

 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TRY AND CUT THE PENGUIN OFF SATURN? SURELY THAT WOULD HAVE HELPED?” Phoenix asked.

 

“i did for the first 5-10 minutes with the use of shortcuts, the penguin simply responded by running on walls and jumping between buildings. once i realized that trying to help the boss out was just making the penguin pull some weird stunts, i just did what i normally do when hard work doesn’t accomplish anything.”

 

“do absolutely nothing?” Citrine guessed.

 

“exactly.” Saturn replied.

 

“well, now that that’s settled, let’s see what kind of information on this penguin cloud sent me. phoenix, can i borrow your computer for a minute?” Citrine asked.

 

“OF COURSE!” Phoenix replied.

 

Everyone went to Phoenix’s room as Citrine logged on to his email.

 

“WAIIIIIT A MINUTE, SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.” Swapfell Sans said.

 

“what’s the matter m’ lord?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“HOW THE HELL CAN CLOUD SEND AN EMAIL TO AN ACCOUNT THAT WAS CREATED IN A DIFFERENT AU? THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!”

 

“oh yeah, that. when you try to call, text, or email someone in another AU, it automatically goes through a ‘wrong number area network’ (WNAN) that sends it to the proper AU and person. i’m pretty sure that the operator that manages the gray doors we use also manages the wnan.” Citrine explained.

 

“DOES THE OPERATOR CONTROL EVERYTHING OR SOMETHING?” Swapfell Sans asked.

 

“nah, they’re just the deus ex machina of our multiverse that our writer created to explain how the multiverse works. it would be way too hard to explain how people from other universes can interact with each other that actually makes sense otherwise.” Citrine explained.

 

All seven skeletons immediately paused, for they knew that half of the readers were now busy googling what the heck deus ex machina means.

 

‘Beeeep’ the oven from the kitchen went off.

 

“OH, THE PIZZA AND PASTA WE MADE ARE PROBABLY DONE COOKING NOW. MARS, CAN YOU COME DOWN WITH ME AND HELP?” Sapphire asked.

 

“ALRIGHT.” He said before following Sapphire to the kitchen

 

Citrine went back to the email now “let’s see… here it is.” Citrine pulled the email up. The email contained... a US government report about the Shady Penguin and Antarctica. While it was technically public information, a government report would probably be more accurate and informative than some random news website. The report focuses mostly on the history and government system of Antarctica. According to the report, the Shady Penguin is Antarctica’s ‘divine ruler’ as he is both emperor and religious head of state. Though a monarchy, Antarctica is somewhat democratic as its citizens elect members of the royal family for various positions, including Emperor. Every once in awhile, one of his kids will campaign against him to try and take that crown, but none have ever unseated the Shady Penguin since he was first crowned Emperor around 2500 years ago, when the empire was formed. The combination of religiosity, royalty, and democracy in the government makes Antarctica the only known Theocratic Elective Monarchy (TEM) in the world. 

 

‘2500 years ago... that’s around the same time most monsters were forced to live in exile underground for all of our universes.’ Citrine realized before continuing.

 

As a monster that has lived for over 2500 years, there is various speculation on why the Shady Penguin has been able to live for such a long time. Immortality through soul collection or by divine blessing are common rumors, but the penguin refuses to confirm or deny either. More information is needed to be certain if the penguin has an improved version of the partial ‘infinite lifespan’ that Boss Monsters posses. 

 

‘the penguin has a lot of kids, so he either isn’t a boss monster, or is a different kind of boss monster from asgore and toriel if he didn’t absord any souls or really is godlike.’ Citrine determined.

 

“DINNER’S READY EVERYBODY!” Sapphire called out from the kitchen.

 

Citrine got up from the computer “i think that’s enough for now guys. at least we learned something.”

 

Citrine and the others went down with him to the kitchen for dinner. Would this meal be a normal one? Considering how lunch went and Cloud wasn’t with them anymore, normalcy did not seem likely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that the OC focused chapters are done for a while, we can finally go back to some skeleton stuff at last!


	12. Dinner is served

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With seven skeletons at the table, what could go wrong? A lot.

Phoenix, Sapphire, Mars, and Swapfell Sans all finished making dinner while Citrine and Swapfell Papyrus set the table. As they all did that, Saturn made a pitcher of iced tea and settled down at the table with all the bottles Cloud bought at lunch. As someone who has a whopping three days of experience as a bartender, everyone agreed that Saturn was the only one remotely qualified to make drinks while Cloud was away.

 

After a while, dinner was served. This time, there were two pizzas, one Mexican and one pepperoni, pasta served with either marinara or pesto sauce, tacos, as well as some breadsticks and salads on the side. After everyone had their plate filled, they all went to Saturn to get some drinks.

 

Mars was up first “GET ME A BLOODY MARY.”

 

“no.” Saturn replied as flatly as possible.

 

“NO?”

 

“no.” 

 

“WHY NOT?!?” Mars questioned irritably.

 

“did you not notice the note?” Saturn said before pointing to a note on the table.

 

Standing at around 6 feet and 9 inches tall, it was pretty easy for Mars to not notice things that were below him. He now noticed the note and read it out loud “MENU: JUST BEER, WATER, SODA, SHOTS, AND ON THE ROCKS DRINKS. NOTHING ELSE.”

 

After reading the note, Mars shot a glare at his brother “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE DRINKS, SO STOP BEING LAZY ABOUT IT!” 

 

“i would, but it’s a whole lot easier to make this stuff with a recipe book, which i do not have right now and i don’t feel like turning phoenix’s house upside down on a wild booze recipe chase. just pick something, i’m hungry and want to get this over with.”

 

“HURRY IT UP!” said an annoyed Swapfell Sans from behind Mars.

 

Defeated, Mars finally gave in “JUST GIVE ME A GUINNESS.” 

 

The rest of the drink orders went without incident. Blue curacao on the rocks for Swapfell Sans, caramel liquor on the rocks for Swapfell Papyrus, tequila shot for Citrine, coke for Phoenix, sprite for Sapphire, and finally an Arrogant Bastard Ale for Saturn. Saturn didn’t even like the beer all that much, but he couldn’t resist the snappy name.

 

Everybody took their seat at the table “IT FEELS WEIRD EATING WITHOUT CLOUD HERE.” Phoenix commented.

 

“hopefully his date isn’t going horribly right now.” Swapfell Papyrus added.

 

“WELL, IT CAN’T BE WORSE THAN THE FIRST TIME THAT HE WAS STRONG ARMED INTO DATING SOMEONE ELSE MWEHEHE!” Sapphire commented with a suggestive grin.

 

“YEA- WAIT WHAT?” said a confused Swapfell Sans.

 

Citrine and Phoenix sighed heavily while Saturn and Mars snickered at the conversation. 

 

Curious, Swapfell Sans asked “WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT DATE EXACTLY?”

 

“I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF MY BROTHER TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT IT.” Sapphire said before looking eagerly at Citrine.

 

Citrine sighed again before telling the story “alright, here’s what happened: a while after four of us agreed to stop dating each other seriously, saturn and sapphire noticed that i had a bit of a crush on cloud.”

 

“I RECALL IT BEING MUCH MORE THAN A ‘LITTLE’ BROTHER.” Sapphire interrupted.

 

“shut up and listen if you want me to tell it.” Citrine fired back. Sapphire stayed silent.

 

Citrine went back to the story “so, those two love experts hatched a totally foolproof plan to get me on a date with cloud. of course, there was only one problem, while i was unaware at the time, cloud was seeing toriel.” 

 

Swapfell Sans and Papyrus both gave Sapphire and Saturn an ‘are you two kidding me’ look while Phoenix started shaking his head and getting up to get another beverage before Citrine continued.

 

“how do you solve this problem then? why, the answer is simple of course, you just don’t tell cloud that he’s going on a date! after all, since when has one person on a date not knowing that they actually are on a date ever been a problem?” Citrine pressed on, with glaringly obvious sarcasm in his voice. “to trick cloud, these two casanovas tell him that all four of us will hang out with each other for a dinner and movie night while phoenix and mars do whatever. before the four of us sit down to eat, sapphire and saturn both get conveniently inconvenient phone calls from work that demand that they leave right then and there, allowing for a very confused cloud and me to be alone for the next three hours. now don’t get me wrong, we both had an okay time considering that things got awkward really fast when i tried to hold his hand and he was all confused, what with not knowing that he was even on a date. funny how sapphire and saturn had told me that cloud was ‘totally into me’ before all of this madness.”

 

At this point, Swapfell Sans and Papyrus were completely dumbfounded as they stared at the two conspirators who were trying not to laugh at the story.

 

“oh, and i’m not done yet here guys.”

 

‘there’s more!?!’ Swapfell Papyrus thought in disbelief before Citrine continued again.

 

“to avoid further confusion, cloud thought it was necessary to call for a six skeleton meeting later that night to avoid any further relationship confusion. he was very quick and to the point about it, needing only one sentence. and you know what he said?” Citrine paused for dramatic effect before finishing “he said ‘uh, just so you guys know, i’m straight and not into incest or selfcest.’ before walking out of the room. that’s it. no further explanation necessary. okay, now i’m done.”

 

“THAT WAS… CERTAINLY SOME STORY…” Swapfell Sans trailed off. This was one of the few instances that left him feeling like he couldn’t say anything worthwhile.

 

Swapfell Papyrus looked at Sapphire and Saturn “do you two find it funny to mess with people’s love life or something?”

 

“hey, it’s not messing with someone’s love life if they don’t have one!” Saturn countered with a slight chuckle.

 

“BESIDES, PAPY HAS INTERFERED WITH MY LOVE LIFE MORE THAN ENOUGH TIMES AND PRANKED ME IN THE PAST. I SIMPLY RETURNED THE FAVOR FOR ONCE.” Sapphire justified.

 

“whatever, can we move on now?” Citrine asked everyone.

 

“THERE IS ONE THING THOUGH…” Swapfell Sans trailed off again.

 

“what is it m’ lord?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“I WAS JUST THINKING IT’S A LITTLE WEIRD SOME OF YOU GUYS HAVE DATED EACH OTHER. NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG, ALL OF US ARE ATTRACTIVE SKELETONS HERE, BUT THE IDEA STILL FEELS FOREIGN TO ME…”

 

‘ah crap, i was so wrapped up in the story i forgot about that.’ Swapfell Papyrus started to panic to himself.

 

“SO, HOW DID THAT WHOLE DATING THING WORK ANYWAY?” Swapfell Sans asked.

 

“alright, here’s how it works…” Citrine then gave Swapfell Sans a similar explanation that he gave to Swapfell Papyrus earlier.

 

As Citrine was explaining, Swapfell Papyrus let his mind wander a bit ‘well, sans seems to be adjusting pretty well to the craziness and incest that runs rampant in this multiverse, all things considered. though if he doesn’t mind the incest then- no, that’s stupid. just because he doesn’t mind other people doing it doesn’t mean he would be willing to participate. stop thinking about it or you’ll just feel bad.’

 

Swapfell Sans nodded at Citrine “ALRIGHT, I GET IT… I THINK...”

 

Shortly after, Swapfell Sans looked at his brother intently.

 

“what?” said a confused Swapfell Papyrus who just snapped out of his daydreaming.

 

“HANG ON-” Swapfell Papyrus said as he reached over the table with a napkin to wipe off some sauce from Papyrus’s chin. “YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP BEING SO SLOPPY PAPYRUS! GOODNESS, YOU’RE MESSIER THAN SOME OF THE DOGS, I SWEAR.” said an irritated Swapfell Sans.

 

After being cleaned, Swapfell Papyrus noticed the shit-eating grins he was getting from around the table and promptly decided to ignore them.

 

A little while later, Phoenix piped in “HEY SATURN, THIS ICED TEA YOU MADE IS SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD.”

 

Sapphire noticed that Phoenix was looking a little wobbly “UH, ARE YOU FEELING ALRIGHT PHOENIX?”

 

“ARE YOU KIDDING? THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS FEELING GREEEEAT RIGHT NOW!” Phoenix slurred that last bit a little.

 

Saturn started to look a bit worried “uh, how much of my special long island iced tea have you had phoenix?”

 

“ABOUT HALF A LITER (that would be 17 ounces to you bloody imperialists), WHY DO YOU ASK?”

 

“because that tea is pretty strong man. half of it is composed of hard liquor, so you’ve basically had around three or four shots right now. i think you should probably stop now.” Saturn advised.

 

“OH.” Phoenix said. “WELL, THAT CERTAINLY WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU’RE ALL SPINNING…” Phoenix trailed off looking woozy. Well, it was official, the dude was now plastered.

 

“MAYBE SANS HAS THE RIGHT IDEA WITH THE WHOLE SLEEPING THING…” Phoenix trailed off again as his eyes closed as his face headed right for his plate!

 

Fortunately, Swapfell Papyrus was quick to react and prevent Phoenix from using his plate as a pillow.

 

“i think you should sleep in an actual bed man.” Swapfell Papyrus said.

 

Phoenix agreed “GREAT IDEA! YOU’RE IN CHARGE UNTIL CLOUD GETS BACK.”

 

“can someone give me a hand?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

‘normally, this would be a great opportunity for a joke, but now’s not the time.’ Citrine thought as he and Mars got up to help Swapfell Papyrus. All three of them were able to pick Phoenix up relatively easily mostly due to him being pretty skinny.

 

“OH! ONE MORE THING SWAPFELL ME.” 

 

“yeah?” Swapfell Papyrus replied.

 

“MAKE SURE THAT SATURN DOESN’T START ANY ORGIES.” 

 

“…”

 

The three tall skeletons then hauled Phoenix off to his bed before returning to the table.

  
An incredibly confused Swapfell Sans then asked “PAPYRUS, WHAT’S AN ORGY?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then there were six. Oh, and now the Swapfell bros are surrounded by incestuous freaks. Fun times.


	13. Two meatballs and a breadstick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you guys might have guessed, this is one of those "Saturn shows the power of a true pervert" chapters. Kinky.

“PAPYRUS!”

 

Swapfell Papyrus blinked his eye sockets awake. He realized that he must have gone into shock for a brief period due to the orgy question.

 

“sorry bro, must have spaced out for a bit.”

 

Swapfell Sans gave his brother a questioning look before speaking again “WELL, YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT AGAIN. YOUR EYE SOCKETS WERE ALMOST AS WIDE AS MINE FOR A SECOND. YOU STILL HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY QUESTION BY THE WAY.”

 

Nervously, Swapfell Papyrus replied, “i’ll uh, tell you later. It’s kind of inappropriate right now…” By later, he meant never naturally. If Swapfell Papyrus wasn’t going to give his brother the sex talk, he certainly wasn’t going to explain what an orgy is.

 

Swapfell Sans sighed “IF YOU SAY SO.”

 

The room got quiet again as the six skeletons went back to eating.

 

After a while, Sapphire tried to break the silence “SO… DO YOU GUYS ALL LIKE THE FOOD?”

 

Citrine nodded in approval “yeah, i like it. pasta is one of my favorites.”

 

Mars interrupted “WELL OF COURSE IT’S GOOD! I MADE IT AFTER ALL.” he said pridefully.

 

Swapfell Sans was ready to rain on his parade however “DIDN’T PHOENIX PREPARE THE SAUCES THOUGH?”

 

“...” Mars didn’t even bother trying to argue with him. If today had taught him anything, it was that Swapfell Sans was the one person who could beat him in an arguing contest anytime, anywhere.

 

“OH! THAT REMINDS ME!” Swapfell Sans recalled something before looking back to his brother.

 

“YOU SHOULD TRY DOING IT BOTH WAYS!” Swapfell Sans said.

 

“...” The entire room suddenly got a whole lot more quiet.

 

A lightbulb went off in Mars’s head.

 

“...swapfell paps... are you into that sort of thing?...” Saturn asked, knowing that the question was a surefire way to make use of the opportunity Swapfell Sans created.

 

“No! No, i’m not like you guys...” Swapfell Papyrus said so nervously that he was slipping some capitalization in.

 

Swapfell Sans made a look of confusion before speaking again “WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT? I WAS SIMPLY SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD TRY BOTH SAUCES WITH YOUR PASTA. THEY’RE BOTH REALLY GOOD!”

 

“...” Everyone went silent again for a brief period before Saturn spoke up “Swappy... does your brother really not have a clue what the hell he’s saying?”

 

“i think i could be sent to the dungeons if i told him what the intentions of his words really were, so no.” Swapfell Papyrus replied while doing his best not to show any panic and praying that his brother would hopefully shut up now.

 

“in that case…” Saturn trailed off before scooting closer to Swapfell Sans in order to whisper in his ear.

 

(whisper whisper) “LICK?” Said an incredibly confused Swapfell Sans.

 

‘tink’ Citrine and Swapfell Papyrus had dropped their forks onto their plates. Everyone had their eye sockets staring intently at Saturn and Swapfell Sans now, food and utensils be damned.

 

(whisper whisper) “SUCK IT? WHY WOULD I SUCK IT?”

 

‘spill’ Sapphire spilled some of his soda on the table.

 

(whisper whisper) “SLURP IT? AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE? IF YOU INSIST…” Swapfell Sans agreed reluctantly and questioningly before taking a forkful of pasta and... well... slurping it as loudly as possible. He was even doing it with a conjured tongue to maximize the noise.

 

‘bleed’ Mars had broken out into a nosebleed again.

 

Swapfell Papyrus groaned in frustration. ‘this is my punishment for not giving him the talk isn’t it? i’m such a bad brother…’ he thought to himself.

 

Saturn was now chuckling a bit at the reaction from all of this. He was loving the hopelessness he was seeing in Swapfell Papyrus. “don’t worry sans, he likes it!” said an overly enthusiastic pervert. Swapfell Sans just gave a confused look in reply.

 

“okay, i’ve only got one more left…”

 

(whisper whisper) “...” This whisper took a while to get a response from Swapfell Sans.

 

‘this silence is not very reassuring…’ Swapfell Papyrus told himself.

 

“TAKE MY BREADSTICK AND SHOVE IT INTO HIS SPAGHETTI SAUCE OVER AND OVER UNTIL TWO OF HIS MEAT BALLS EXPLODE?”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

Nobody really had any idea how to react to that comment.

 

After what seemed to be an eternity, an irritated Swapfell Sans spoke up “WHY ARE YOU ALL STARING AT ME? STOP IT, I’M TRYING TO EAT A GOOD MEAL HERE!”

 

And with that, he dipped his breadstick into some spaghetti sauce (on his plate, he didn’t actually replicate what Saturn had suggested) and took a bite, not realizing that this would be the fatal blow for the second biggest pervert at the table.

 

‘THUD’ Mars had fallen to the floor, the alcohol and blood loss from the nosebleed caused by the suggestive conversation not helping his balance whatsoever.

 

‘well, at least he didn’t break anything this time.’ Saturn thought before Sapphire and Swapfell Papyrus went to help the guy up.

 

“SHEESH! YOU GUYS ARE SO CLUMSY, I SWEAR.” Swapfell Sans said before returning to his meal in silence.

 

“ya got a little sauce on your face man, let me wipe that off.” Swapfell Papyrus said as he wiped off the ‘sauce’ that was splurting out of Mars’s nose.

 

After helping Mars back up, Swapfell Papyrus and Sapphire went back to their seats.

 

Swapfell Papyrus looked up to see Saturn giving him the biggest cheshire grin he had ever seen, and with absurdly sharp teeth as well. ‘i am so screwed in more ways than one…’ Swapfell Papyrus thought before nervously going back to eating.

 


	14. The first fontcest tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the fontcest in this multiverse started explained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait everyone! This chapter took me FOREVER to finally finish. I hope that you all like it!

Everybody finished dinner without any more perverted antics from Saturn. It was now 7:00 p.m. and everyone was ready to move on to something else. But first, they had to decide who would clean up the mess from dinner.

 

“any volunteers?” asked Citrine. Only Sapphire raised his hand.

 

“is that all? no more takers?” Citrine asked again. With some reluctance, Saturn raised his hand, causing Citrine, Swapfell Papyrus, and Mars to raise their eyebrows at him.

 

“I THOUGHT THAT YOU HATED CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELF BROTHER.” Mars commented.

 

“i may be a lazy sack of shit, but at least i'm a _considerate_ lazy sack of shit sometimes.” The amount of edginess in Saturn’s comment was enough to cut a Nokia in half.

 

“well that settles it then. have fun you two.” Citrine said with a wink before he, Swapfell Papyrus, Mars, and Swapfell Sans all went to the livingroom to watch TV.

 

While Sapphire was busy with gathering up dishes by hand, Saturn was using his magic to gather them up instead, still sitting in the same chair he sat in during dinner.

 

“ARE YOU GOING TO SIT THERE THE ENTIRE TIME WE CLEAN UP?”

 

“yep.”

 

Sapphire sighed before returning to his cleaning “OH WELL, AT LEAST YOU’RE HELPING OUT. I WAS SORT OF HOPING THAT MARS OR CITRINE WOULD HELP, BUT THEY DIDN’T OFFER.” Sapphire paused before going on with a somewhat nervous tone “DO YOU THINK THAT THEY DIDN’T WANT TO BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND ME? I KNOW THAT CITRINE’S STILL ANNOYED AT ME A LITTLE FOR THAT DATING PRANK WE PULLED.”

 

“nah, you’re overthinking it man, don’t worry about it. boss probably would have offered to help if he was feeling better. i did push him over the edge after all.” They both snickered a bit at that before going back to talking and cleaning “as for your bro, he doesn’t like working just as much as i do, and he seems to be taking a liking to our newest targets.” Saturn winked as he said that last comment.

 

“HA, I WONDER, DO YOU THINK THAT HE WILL MAKE A MOVE ON ONE OF THEM?” Sapphire asked.

 

“i don’t know. he has never entertained the idea of dating phoenix to my knowledge, and he and mars will only do anything when we ‘encourage’ them, so he’s never been a big fan of the idea of boning a papyrus, but swapfell sans might tickle his fancy.”

 

“REALLY? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?”

 

“well, you know how he’s totally into both of us right?” Saturn’s expression suddenly became more sly.

 

Sapphire also had a sly expression as he spoke “WRAPPED AROUND OUR FINGERS MORE LIKE IT. WHAT ARE YOU… OHHHHHHHH! I GET IT! YOU’RE SAYING THAT HE CAN SEE THE BEST PARTS OF BOTH OF US IN HIM RIGHT?”

 

“precisely. that little skeleton has no idea what kind of effect he could have on some of us. that’s why i’ve been actually active today. i have some pretty solid evidence on how those two feel about joining in on some of our hardcore ‘cest action.” Saturn said with confidence.

 

Sapphire was surprised “BUT WE’VE ONLY BEEN AROUND THEM FOR HALF A DAY! SURELY YOU CAN’T BE THAT WELL INFORMED!”

 

“a normal monster would take weeks to get this kind of information. an experienced spy like me knows exactly how to get to know things about people that not even they are aware of sometimes.”

 

“ALRIGHT THEN, TELL ME THIS ‘EVIDENCE’ OF YOURS O WISE ONE!”

 

“well for starters, it’s clear that Swapfell Sans doesn’t mind getting close to his brother as we saw when he wiped off the other’s face in front of everyone. also, didn’t you see how Swapfell Papyrus simply goes into panic mode whenever there’s a sexual subject involved with his brother? normally, acting lewd and making someone’s innocent younger sibling involved in that should annoy them more than anything else, not make them panic like the sky is falling. doesn’t all that remind you of something?”

 

Sapphire thought for a bit before the answer came to him “THAT’S JUST LIKE HOW CITRINE USED TO BE! HE USED TO BE SOOOOO UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND YOU AND MARS BEFORE YOU AND I... UH… YEAH…” Sapphire trailed off nervously as he finished talking. Once Sapphire was exposed to the more lewd side of the world, he would sometimes wonder how he couldn’t have seen the lewdness of how Saturn would act sometimes as well as  all of the signs that his brother had wanted to be more than just brothers sometimes. Sure, Citrine had dated some monsters back when the barrier was still up, but it was never anything serious and it certainly had nothing on what the four fontcest skeletons did nowadays.

 

“SO, ARE YOU SAYING THAT IT’S THE EXACT SAME SITUATION AS ME AND CITRINE A FEW MONTHS AGO? ONLY A BIT EDGIER?” Sapphire asked.

 

“well, sort of. i’m still expecting it to share some elements of how me and mars first got together.”

 

“OH! YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT HOW YOU TWO GOT TOGETHER! CAN YOU TELL ME THAT STORY NOW PLEASE?”

 

Saturn shrugged. “well, it’s kind of a long story. you know how i used to be a spy for the asgore of my universe right?”

 

Sapphire nodded in understanding before Saturn continued “occasionally, that particular line of work would sometimes require a very particular set of skills best utilised behind closed doors.”

 

Sapphire made a surprised but understanding expression before Saturn continued “in my universe, it’s very hard to convince monsters to let their guard down. sex is simply one of the few surefire ways to make someone vulnerable. unfortunately, this method had a side-effect of giving me a reputation among some monsters.”

 

“WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BROTHER?” Sapphire interrupted.

 

“more than you’d think. i wasn’t paying attention to his love life since underfell isn’t exactly the best environment for relationships, but he never expressed any romantic interest in anyone. while he would never tell me straight up, i’m almost positive that mars became very angry once he first heard stories about me sleeping around. it didn’t help that these stories about me would be exaggerated to the max, further driving his emotions over the edge. it wasn’t just the fact that i was his brother that the stories bothered him either. this one time, some of the dogs were joking around saying something like ‘why don’t we all ask sans if we can rattle his bones and put a picture of the aftermath on the undernet when we’re done?’ they made the critical mistake of saying it within mars’s hearing range. so you know what he did?”

 

“DID HE YELL AT THEM AND STORM OFF LIKE HE USUALLY DOES?”

 

“you’re half right. he yelled at them, yeah, but some arguing occurred before a full-on fight happened. while outnumbered, boss was quick to show exactly how he became the vice-captain of the royal guard with his power. Fortunately for the dogs, they were smart enough to beg for forgiveness and appeal to his pride or he would have dusted them. after that, he did some investigating on his own as to what i’ve been up to.”

 

“WHAT EXACTLY DID HE DO? DID HE EVER EVEN TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT?”

 

Saturn shook his head “nope. that’s probably my fault actually. i was pretty good at avoiding confrontations with him. who knew teleporting magic could be so useful? as for what he did for investigating, he hit a dead end right from the get go.”

 

“WHAT HAPPENED?”

 

“he tried to look up my files in the royal archives. there were a couple marked ‘classified’ that not even he could have access to. he asked asgore and undyne about it, but nothing came from that. only alphys, undyne, and asgore were aware of my activities as a spy. to everyone else, including mars, i was just some lowly sentry with a suspiciously successful hotdog stand.”

 

“COULDN’T EVERYTHING HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU JUST STOPPED BEING A SPY?”

 

Saturn shook his head “it was the only thing i was able to do besides science stuff, and i hated the idea of working in the labs, so spying became my career path ever since mars was twelve. i needed the money to support me and mars okay? and besides, it wouldn’t really have changed much if i stopped at that point anyway since the damage was already done.” Saturn explained.

 

“SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?”  
  
“not a lot for a while. i did my thing and mars was getting more and more frustrated about how he felt about me. at this point, i was still not even aware that he was beginning to desire himself and i in an actual relationship yet. still, even if i did know, it’s not like i could have told him ‘oh, by the way bro, i have to screw a bunch of monsters to get them to trust me since i’m a spy for the king and need to do anything i can to make sure that nobody is planning on starting a civil war or anything.’ if only it were that simple…” Saturn trailed off before starting up again. “everything changed when the human came. once the barrier broke, i was free to actually pursue people i wanted. i started dating a bit with tori, but that didn’t work out. ditto with grillby and even asgore at one point.”

 

“DON’T YOU STILL OCCASIONALLY HAVE ‘SLEEPOVERS’ WITH THEM THOUGH?” Sapphire teased.

 

“that is irrelevant right now. anyway, the point is, right after breaking up again, the underfell and undertale universes became aware of each other and transportation between universes in this multiverse became possible. it was at this point that the underfell and undertale skeletons met at long last.”

 

Sapphire then raised his hand “I HAVE A QUESTION!”

 

“this isn’t a classroom you know, so you don’t have to raise your hand like a babybones in one.” Saturn deadpanned.

 

“I AM NOT A BABYBONES!” Sapphire protested before continuing “HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH ANY OF THE UNDERTALE SKELETONS?”

 

“nah. don’t get me wrong, both of them definitely look good, but cloud is straight and i have a sneaking suspicion that he’d neuter me if i took his brother’s virginity.” Saturn said before continuing with his story “anyway, after meeting the undertale guys, boss became incredibly jealous at how close cloud and phoenix were. sure, they weren’t banging or anything, but it was clear that those two really cared about each other and weren’t afraid to show it. while me and boss got better after moving to the surface, he just really wanted some affection from me and i was completely unaware of it. it didn’t help that he was really bad at sending me a signal that he was romantically interested in me. i guess he didn’t have the guts to be upfront about it. heh.”

 

Sapphire groaned at the pun before asking “COME ON, HOW BAD AT IT COULD HE BE?”

 

“well, the first time he tried to send a signal, all he did was light some candles while we ate dinner. when i asked him why he was doing it, it was because ‘the candles symbolize how my soul went into making this meal.’ how was i supposed to know that the guy i lived with for my whole life was actually flirting with me instead of just bragging about his dedication?”

 

“SO WHAT FINALLY GOT YOU TOGETHER?”

 

“i guess that my universe’s frisk must have noticed something, ‘cuz after a period of cryptic romantic signals, boss eventually confessed his love of me to my universe’s frisk, who then sent a very long winded letter to me explaining everything. after realizing the true intentions of the weird stuff he was doing around me recently, i asked him if he really felt that way. after a bit of stammering and trying to avoid the question, he finally told me he did and asked if i felt the same way. i told him i wasn’t sure, but we could go on a date if he wanted to. he fainted after i said that.”

 

Sapphire laughed “MWEHEHE! HE REALLY IS A HUGE SOFTIE ON THE INSIDE ISN’T HE? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?”

 

“not much really. we went on our first date. then another one. and another one after that. i think we banged somewhere around date number eight. we only stopped dating after you and the underswap guys made contact with the undertale and underfell universes. you probably know the rest of the story.”

 

“SO... HOW WAS HE HIS FIRST TIME?” asked a sly Sapphire.

 

“now you're asking the important questions! he wasn’t very good though unfortunately. He was worse than you on your first time doing it actually.” said a somewhat disappointed Saturn.

 

“SERIOUSLY? HOW BAD WAS IT?” asked the inquisitive Sapphire.

 

“well, he insisted on topping even though i’m pretty sure the only stuff he knew how to do was from porn. as you might have guessed, it didn’t work very well. it became clear that he was using up all of his energy way too fast, and he didn’t even last a full 3 minutes. i knew it was his first time, but sheesh, that was pathetic. it’s a good thing that i’m good at topping or else i wouldn’t have been able to show him how you’re actually supposed to do it.” said the sex expert.

 

“YEOWIE! AND I THOUGHT I WAS BAD DURING MY FIRST TIME!”

 

“you were alright considering that you were a beginner. you were good at following my instructions and lasted around 5 minutes when you topped me. that’s not so bad, all things considered.”

 

“HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT REMEMBERING THIS STUFF ANYWAY? YOU DO IT SO MUCH THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN KEEP TRACK OF EACH SESSION.”

 

“oh, you misunderstood me. i don’t remember each time, that’s why i record it all.” Saturn said suggestively.

 

“THAT MAKES SE- WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!” yelled the now panicking skeleton.

  
“IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT IN HERE?” asked Swapfell Sans who was now in the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies again for the delay folks. I'll do my best to try and hurry it up on my side of things in the future. The backstory chapters are probably the most difficult for me, but I love revealing the past stories of these guys piece by piece, and I hope you all are enjoying how the story is progressing so far.


	15. Recent Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swapfell Sans gets a very important lesson from Saturn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, "the talk".

Caught like a deer in headlights, Sapphire had no idea how to respond “UHHH… WE WERE TALKING… TALKING ABOUT…” Sapphire struggled to find an explanation.

 

“we were just talking about our past relationships as we were cleaning up. i was just telling sapphire here how me and my bro got together. right sapphire?” Saturn said smoothly, trying his best to make up for Sapphire’s stammering by being mostly truthful.

 

Sapphire did his best to regain his composure before speaking “RIGHT! IT WAS SUCH A GOOD STORY TOO!” Sapphire added.

 

‘WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THESE GUYS AREN’T TELLING ME THE WHOLE TRUTH WHEN THE TALK ABOUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AGAIN? FIRST THE WEIRDNESS WHEN SAPPHIRE AND CITRINE WERE TALKING ABOUT JEWELRY CLEANING, OF ALL THINGS, AND NOW THIS? WHAT’S GOING ON?’ Swapfell Sans thought to himself.

 

Swapfell Sans then spoke up “SO, ARE YOU GUYS DONE YET, ME AND THE OTHERS ARE READY TO DO SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES TALK OVER THE TV IF YOU TWO ARE DONE.”

 

Saturn replied “almost, just a few dishes left and then we’ll be done.”

 

After a moment passed, Saturn spoke up again “hey sapphire?

“YES SATURN?” replied the blue scarf wearing skeleton.

 

“since i told you one of my relationship stories, how about you tell me one of yours?” Saturn asked.

 

“OKAY! WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO HEAR?” asked Sapphire.

 

“actually…” Saturn looked at Swapfell Sans before continuing “how about we have our swap felly counterpart choose this time. if he wants to?” Saturn said, now eagerly looking at Swapfell Sans.

 

Swapfell Sans was a caught off guard a bit at this “WELL, I GUESS I’M A BIT CURIOUS AS TO WHAT SOME OF YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN UP TO IN THE PAST SINCE I JUST MET YOU ALL. WHICH ONES HAVE YOU DATED IN THE PAST SAPPHIRE?”

 

“I’VE DATED EVERY SKELETON EXCEPT CLOUD. HE’S THE STRAIGHT ONE, AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED.” Sapphire answered.

 

“ALRIGHT, WHAT’S THE STORY WITH YOU AND PHOENIX THEN?” asked Swapfell Sans.

 

“oh yeah, i don’t know anything about you being with phoenix either. i was pretty surprised when i heard you two broke up. so what was the deal with you two then?

 

“WELL, EVERYTHING WAS GREAT WHEN WE WERE DATING! I STARTED DATING HIM AROUND TWO MONTHS AGO, A LITTLE WHILE AFTER I STOPPED DATING MARS.” Sapphire recalled before continuing “ME AND PHOENIX BOTH HAD PRETTY SIMILAR INTERESTS THAT WE COULD DO TOGETHER, WHICH GAVE US LOTS OF GOOD IDEAS FOR DATES! HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO MAKE PASTA, I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO MAKE TACOS, AND WE WERE BOTH GOOD BATTLE BUDDIES FOR WHENEVER WE WANTED SOME COMBAT PRACTICE. EVERYTHING WAS GOOD FOR A WHILE, THEN WE BROKE UP.”

 

“OH, THAT’S TOO BAD. WHY DID YOU TWO BREAK UP THEN? IF YOU DON’T MIND TALKING ABOUT IT?” Swapfell Sans inquired.

 

Sapphire replied “ERRR, IT’S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING ACTUALLY. IT HAPPENED AROUND A MONTH AFTER DATING EACH OTHER WHEN I ASKED HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME IF HE WANTED TO MAKE LOVE. HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO WAIT UNTIL HE WAS MARRIED. SINCE I STILL WASN’T SURE ABOUT WHO I WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH, I DECIDED THE NEXT DAY THAT IT WAS BEST IF WE BROKE UP, AT LEAST FOR A WHILE ANYWAY.”

 

Saturn interrupted “oh shit. how did he take it? did the poor guy cry?”

 

Sapphire replied with “WELL, HE SEEMED FINE AND UNDERSTANDING WHEN I TOLD HIM. I WAS CONVINCED THAT HE TOOK IT WELL AT FIRST.”

 

“AT FIRST?” Swapfell Sans questioned uneasily.

 

“AFTER A FEW DAYS, CLOUD ASKED ME AND CITRINE IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO PHOENIX. HE THEN TOLD US THAT PHOENIX HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED AND WAS BEING LAZY FOR ONCE. PHOENIX! BEING LAZY! HE HADN’T EVEN COOKED ANY PASTA SINCE THE DAY WE BROKE UP!”

 

“wow. you totally fucked him up dude. did you tell cloud what you did?” said a surprised Saturn.

 

Sapphire shook his head “NO, I JUST COULDN’T BRING MYSELF TO TELL HIM. EVERY TIME I’D GET CLOSE TO DOING SO, I’D JUST GET INCREDIBLY NERVOUS AT THE THOUGHT OF HOW HE’D REACT TO THE GUY WHO BROKE HIS BROTHER’S HEART. OF COURSE, IT WAS STUPID OF ME NOT TO SAY ANYTHING SINCE PHOENIX TOLD HIM EVENTUALLY ANYWAY. CLOUD NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT, BUT IT BECAME PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT HE KNEW EVENTUALLY BASED ON HOW HE ACTED ONE DAY. FORTUNATELY, WE DIDN’T LET THIS RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP, SO EVERYTHING’S FINE NOW.”

 

“INTERESTING…” Swapfell Sans commented before continuing “THERE IS ONE THING ABOUT ALL YOU GUYS THAT I CAN’T FIGURE OUT THOUGH.”

 

“WHAT’S THAT?” Asked Sapphire.

 

“IF I’M UNDERSTANDING EVERYTHING CORRECTLY… THEN ALL OF YOU GUYS EXCEPT PHOENIX AND CLOUD HAVE… HAD SEX WITH EACH OTHER RIGHT?”

 

Sapphire blushed a little as Saturn crackled a short laugh before answering “yeah, we’ve all banged each other, what of it?”

 

“WELL, IF YOU GUYS ALL HAVE… THEN WHY THE HECK IS NOBODY HERE PREGGERS YET? ISN’T THAT WHAT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN AFTER BONDING SOULS TOGETHER?”

 

‘so that’s what this guy’s deal is!’ Saturn thought ‘his brother must have told him about how pregnancy for monsters works without mentioning that we can have a whole lot of fun without  all of that… i should correct him!’

 

“did your brother ever give you ‘the talk’ swapfell me?”

 

“WELL OF COURSE HE DID! HOW ELSE WOULD I KNOW ABOUT HOW WE GET PREGNANT? THOUGH HE DIDN’T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT HOW TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT GETTING PREGNANT…” Swapfell Sans trailed off, now deep in thought.

 

Remembering how Swapfell Sans didn’t know about conjuring up magical body parts, Saturn knew exactly what to say “remember when i showed you the tongue thing at lunch earlier?”

 

“YEAH, BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?” asked the confused skeleton.

 

“did you ever wonder why your bro never showed you that?”

 

There was a pause before Swapfell Sans could reply “NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT... IT IS ODD THAT HE WOULDN’T SHOW ME SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD WAY FOR SKELETON MONSTERS TO USE THEIR MAGIC IN EVERYDAY LIFE. BUT WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?”

 

“what i’m trying to say is that using magic to conjure up body parts is how skeletons have sex.”

 

…

 

Swapfell Sans wasn’t exactly prepared for that answer. Nonetheless, he pressed on with the conversation “OKAY... SO... HOW DOES THAT WORK THEN EXACTLY?”

 

“have you watched anime with undyne or alphys before?”

 

“YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?”

 

“have you ever seen some of the more lewd stuff those two watch?”

 

Swapfell Sans paused once again before replying “WELL, THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW TIMES WHERE THINGS GET MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE LEWD, BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH SKELETONS HAVING SEX? WE AREN’T HUMANS YOU KNOW, SO WE CAN’T DO WHAT THEY DO.”

 

“actually, we can.”

 

“HOW? WAIT, IS THIS WHY YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT CONJURING UP THE TONGUE WITH MAGIC EARLIER AND… WAIT A MINUTE…” Realization suddenly lit up on Swapfell Sans’s face “YOU DON’T MEAN…” he trailed off.

 

Saturn gave his counterpart a sinister smile and nodded his head before explaining “exactly. that’s how we do it. magic dicks.”

 

Swapfell Sans was perplexed at the revelations “I JUST… CAN’T EVEN… HOW?”

 

“if you want some examples, i have some right here!” Saturn said while holding up his phone.

 

Sapphire chimed in “HEY! I WANT TO SEE TOO!”

 

And without further ado, the three of them looked at the smut on Saturn’s phone. Normally, this is the part where I, the narrator, would go into all sorts of lewd details, but unfortunately for you perverts out there, this fic is rated T. Suck it.

 

After a few minutes, the three stopped looking at the lewdness. Swapfell Sans was blushing like crazy now. “YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT TENTACLES SATURN…”

 

“what can i say? i like to be creative.”

 

“WELL, THANKS FOR TELLING ME I GUESS. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M GOING TO GO BACK TO MY DIRTY LIAR OF A BROTHER AND LECTURE HIM ABOUT LYING ABOUT SEX TO ME.” Swapfell Sans turned to walk.

 

Sapphire grabbed his arm before he went out the doorway “WAIT! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

 

“WHY NOT? HE’S MY BROTHER, AND HE SHOULDN’T BE LYING TO ME, ESPECIALLY ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS.” Swapfell Sans replied.

 

“BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU!” Sapphire exclaimed.

 

“SO? WE ARE BROTHERS AFTER ALL, EVEN IF WE DON’T SHOW AFFECTION ALL THE TIME, WE STILL LOVE EACH OTHER IN OUR OWN WAYS. THAT STILL DOESN'T EXCUSE HIM FOR LYING.” Swapfell Sans explained.

 

“NOT LIKE THAT! I’M SAYING THAT HE LOVES YOU AS MORE THAN JUST A BROTHER!” Sapphire continued.

 

“WHAT? JUST BECAUSE YOU GUYS DO IT DOESN’T MEAN HE…” Swapfell Sans trailed off, suddenly unsure of himself.

 

Once again, Saturn had a brilliant idea that he could not resist doing “hey guys, i think i have a solution to our problem.” Saturn made his way to the liquor table with the other short skeletons following behind him. “i think i have the perfect way to punish your brother and get him to show you how he really feels. here’s what we’ll do…”

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Meanwhile, back in the living room, the three tall skeletons were all settled on the couch and watching TV.

 

Mars was beginning to become impatient “WHAT’S TAKING OUR BROTHERS SO LONG TO FINISH CLEANING? I THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE MOVED ON TO SOMETHING ELSE BY NOW.”

 

Swapfell Papyrus was getting a bit anxious at the idea of his brother being in the same room with Saturn for a long time. “citrine?”

 

“yeah? what is it?”

 

“do you think they’re doing something more than just cleaning back there?”

 

“eh, i wouldn’t worry about it. they’re probably all chatting as they clean. they should be done any minute now.”

 

Right on cue, the three short skeletons returned from the kitchen, but with some glasses and the pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea that got Phoenix wasted earlier.

  
“so, who wants to play a game of never have i ever?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would not be surprised if Swapfell Papyrus uses the window as an escape method sometime soon.


	16. A battle with booze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LET THE BOOZE GAME COMMENCE!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone was complaining that Saturn wasn't acting all that restrained when Cloud and Phoenix were around anyways, so why does it matter if they're gone or not anyway? You'll get to know how he is with no limits now.

“just chatting huh citrine?” asked an unamused Swapfell Papyrus who was giving a glare of disbelief to his Underswap counterpart.

 

Citrine simply shrugged in reply.

 

‘alright then, now i have to find an excuse to stop this game before it even starts. having everybody drink at the same time for this group just has disaster written all over it.’ Swapfell Papyrus thought before speaking “actually, we aren’t going to play that game saturn.”

 

Saturn was surprised at someone challenging him for once “excuse me? since when were you the dictator of this house?”

 

“since i was appointed to be so back when phoenix nearly passed out, which was due to that alcohol by the way.” replied the tall skeleton who suddenly looked a lot more authoritarian.

 

“so? all that happened was phoenix got drunk and pointed to the closest person to be in charge before we dragged him to bed. that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t play just because you don’t want to and if i remember correctly, phoenix only said no orgies, not no alcohol. isn’t that right everyone?” Saturn asked.

 

Everyone else but Swapfell Papyrus nodded.

 

“everyone who wants to play say i.” Saturn stated.

 

“I” “I” “I” “...”

 

Swapfell Papyrus and Citrine stayed silent. While Citrine normally would be okay with playing the game, he didn’t want to increase the tension in the house any further, and adding alcohol didn’t seem like a good idea when emotions were involved.

 

Visibly annoyed, Saturn started whispering something in Sapphire’s ear, and the two of them went over next to where Citrine was sitting for Saturn to whisper “if you don’t play, you’re sleeping with only yourself as company for the next month. don’t worry though, i’m pretty sure that my brother would be more than willing to share his bed with two small sexy skeletons. oh, and don’t even think about trying to take the new guy for a spin to get around it.”

 

“...i…” Citrine reluctantly said, chastising himself in his head for being so easily swayed. Whenever Saturn pulled the threat of a sex embargo on Mars or Citrine, he was pretty much guaranteed to get his way since Sapphire was almost always willing to go along with it and blue ball the others when Saturn asked him to do it.

 

“let’s get started then gentlemen.” Saturn said as everyone but Swapfell Papyrus went to the kitchen.

 

Halfway there though, Saturn and Swapfell Sans stopped. Saturn gave Swapfell Sans a wink as a signal and Swapfell Sans spoke loudly enough to make sure his brother could hear him over the TV “SO, DOES ANYTHING INTERESTING EVER HAPPENED WHEN YOU GUYS ALL DRINK TOGETHER?”

 

“well, drinking with the other guys here always makes me feel closer to them in more ways than one. sometimes our faces are just an inch or two apart as we talk about nothing and if we get really drunk, we’ll even start playing around and ‘wrestle’ each other sometimes. alcohol certainly has the effect of making all of us a whole lot friendlier with each other.”

 

The bait worked as Swapfell Papyrus detected the obvious subliminal messaging in Saturn’s comment. He then realized that leaving his brother alone with four horny skeletons and a lot of alcohol was much more risky than staying sober and not playing as he got up to join the others.

 

Everyone took their seat at the kitchen table as Saturn poured the drinks and explained the rules “alright, here’s how it’s going to go down; we’ll go around the table and one person will give a statement saying ‘never have i ever bla bla bla.’ anyone at the table who has done the thing that the speaker has never done will take a drink. any questions?” No one spoke up “good, then let’s start. who’s going first?”

 

Citrine raised his hand. “mind if i start?”

 

“go ahead. turns will rotate around the table to whoever is on the left. of the question asker.”

 

With the order decided, the cycle would be Citrine > Sapphire > Saturn > Swapfell Sans > Swapfell Papyrus > Mars

 

“alright then. never have i ever used the threat of not having sex with someone for a whole month just to strong arm them into playing a game of never have i ever.” Citrine deadpanned while looking straight at Sapphire and Saturn, who both took a drink.

 

Swapfell Sans and Mars both giggled diabolically for a few seconds at the Citrine's comment as Swapfell Papyrus now realized that Sapphire must be a part of whatever Saturn was trying to do. ‘citrine did mention that saturn brings out the mysterious side of people…’ Swapfell Papyrus thought as Sapphire took his turn.

 

“LET’S SEE... NEVER HAVE I EVER FALLEN FOR A STRAIGHT GUY!”

 

As expected, Citrine took a drink and grumbled as he did so. Less surprising was Mars also taking a drink. “i didn’t know you liked him too boss.” Saturn chimed in. “WHAT? HE’S A VERSION OF YOU THAT’S ALMOST AS HANDSOME AND HE HAS SOME VERY GOOD QUALITIES. IF HE WAS FROM OUR UNIVERSE, HE’D BE MY FIRST CHOICE FOR THE GODFATHER OF MY FUTURE CHILDREN.” Mars explained as Saturn nodded. “i can see that. he’s a pretty good guy whenever he’s not trying to stop us from having some ‘fun’ at times. ah well, i guess he has to be a good role model for his frisk.” Saturn agreed.

 

‘oh cloud, why did that penguin have to pick you to go on a date with tonight? couldn’t he have just taken one of the perverts instead?’ Swapfell Papyrus asked himself.

 

It was Saturn's turn now "never have i ever threatened to kill someone over lewd comments they made over their brother."

 

Mars took another drink. Everyone else at the table either knew the story or didn't have the courage to ask about it.

 

Swapfell Sans was up next. “THIS MIGHT COME AS A BIT OF A SHOCK TO YOU ALL, BUT NEVER HAVE I EVER KISSED ANYONE.”

 

Everyone else took a drink followed by Sapphire speaking up “REALLY? BUT ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!”

 

Swapfell Sans sighed before replying “WELL, IF ANYONE LIKES ME, I WOULDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT SINCE NO ONE HAS EVER APPROACHED ME THAT WAY. HENCE, THE NO KISSES FOR ME.” Swapfell Sans explained with a bit of sad loneliness.

 

“AWWW, REALLY? THAT’S TOO BAD...” Sapphire trailed off before getting out of his chair and approaching “... BUT I CAN FIX THAT, IF YOU WANT ME TO.”

 

“JUST SHUT UP AND KISS ME YOU FOOL!” said the suddenly eager Swapfell Sans as the two short skeletons kissed for what seemed like an eternity even though it was only around 10 seconds in real time. Every Papyrus was staring with their eyeballs popping out and jaws dropping at the unexpected sight, and Saturn was wolf whistling.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Around 15 minutes ago, Saturn, Sapphire, and Swapfell Sans were discussing their strategy for the game.

 

“...so yeah. basically, just act like how your human would act whenever they decided to flirt, and i mean flirt intensely, with someone.”

 

“ARE YOU TWO SURE THIS WILL WORK? I’D HATE TO GET YOU GUYS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF MY PERSONAL LIFE STUFF.” Swapfell Sans asked.

 

Saturn shook his head slightly to reassure his counterpart. “nah, don’t worry about it. quite honestly, i’m just annoyed seeing the unresolved sexual tension that your brother has for you. if he needs a bit of a push in the right direction to show his true feelings to you, then i’ll give him a big ol’ shove if i have to. besides, it’s not like it’s the first time i’ve done this, right sapphire?”

 

Sapphire nodded in agreement before speaking up “YEP! I HAD NO IDEA PAPY FELT THAT WAY ABOUT ME UNTIL SATURN TOLD ME EVERYTHING. AFTER ACTING MORE THAN A LITTLE LEWD IN FRONT OF HIM, HE ADMITTED THAT HE DESIRED TO BE MORE THAN JUST BROTHERS WITH ME IN ABOUT A WEEK. IT WORKED EVEN BETTER THAN EITHER OF US EXPECTED!”

 

Neither skeleton felt it necessary to tell Swapfell Sans that the process involved Sapphire losing his virginity somewhere along the way.

 

Swapfell Sans sighed before agreeing to the plan. “WELL, IF YOU GUYS REALLY ARE SURE THAT THIS WILL WORK, THEN I’M ON BOARD WITH WHATEVER. SO, WHAT ELSE SHOULD WE DO?”

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

After the two kissing skeletons finally finished, Saturn spoke up “hang on, you’re doing it wrong. put some more passion into it man!” And with that, Saturn took over Sapphire’s role as he kissed Swapfell Sans with vigor... and sloppiness. Not only were the two skeletons getting some tongue action in now, they were also getting pretty handsy with each other as well.

 

Sapphire was back at his seat and failing at hiding his gleeful emotions during the whole ordeal, but it didn’t matter since no one was paying attention to him at this point anyway. Citrine was now too embarrassed to even look at the kissing skeletons at all now. Once again, Mars was having a nosebleed, but he only cared about the show in front of him right now. Swapfell Papyrus was too shocked at the sight of his brother doing such lewd behavior to even process it anymore.

 

After 15 seconds of the absurdly intense snogging session, Swapfell Papyrus was able to snap out of it and think for once ‘shit! come on, think of something to break them up you lazybones!’

 

Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. With a flick of his wrist, Swapfell Sans and Saturn were forced back into their seats.

 

‘sheesh, why did it take me so long to do anything? i should have thought of something like that hours ago.’ Swapfell Papyrus thought as he changed his expression into something sinister. ‘if those two versions of my brother want to play dirty, i’m more than willing to counter them now.’

 

“what was it that you were saying about no one approaching you for a kiss brother? i was too distracted by you being approached by those two guys to notice.” Swapfell Papyrus said with a mocking tone in his voice.

 

Swapfell Sans opened his mouth to tell his brother off about lying about everything sex and relationship related before Saturn nudged him and did some hand signs under the table that said ‘don’t lose your temper, if you confront him like that right now, there’s no way he’ll give you the truth you want. just go along with the plan so that we can catch him in a vulnerable position so that he can’t lie so easily.’

 

Swapfell Sans grumbled before speaking up “JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR TURN PAPYRUS…”

 

“oh i will, and with pleasure.”

  
The REAL battle begins now!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about time SOMEONE stood up to Saturn for once.


	17. Drunken bones erupt and four skeletons break four walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you guys probably guessed, the title pretty much says it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that the phrase "expect the unexpected" does a pretty good job at describing how you should approach this chapter. Heck, that phrase probably applies to the whole fic now that I think about it.

Swapfell Papyrus thought a bit before he chose what to say. ‘okay, what should my game plan be?’ he thought to himself. ‘let’s see... mars has had three drinks, so he will probably tap out first with his thin bones. the sooner he and citrine tap out, the more turns the three versions of sans will have, and i cannot let that happen. i have to make sure that my counterparts last as long as they can while trying to get each sans drunk enough to stop this nonsense. myself, saturn, and sapphire have all had two drinks, while my brother has had none. for now, i’ll just try to make sure that each sans is drinking and none of the papyruses are.’ and with that, Swapfell Papyrus knew what his question should be with the perfect question to follow his strategy. Who knew a dumb drinking game could end up making him actually think hard about something for once?

 

“never have i ever had a crush on someone taller than me.” Okay, he wasn’t being 100% truthful with that one since he’d been with monsters who were taller than them before, but that didn’t mean he had fallen in love with any of them.

 

Just as Swapfell Papyrus spoke, each Sans took a drink. Swapfell Sans gave his brother an annoyed look. “ARE YOU MOCKING US PAPYRUS?” he asked with an annoyed expression.

 

“certainly not. there’s no need to get _short-tempered_ m’lord.” he replied coolly.

 

Swapfell Sans and Sapphire both groaned in frustration while Citrine chuckled and Mars tried not to show that he loved the pun.

 

Mars’s turn now. “NEVER HAVE I EVER SLEPT WITH A HUMAN.”

 

Saturn was the only one to take a drink this time. The Underswap and Fellswap skeletons all would have raised their eyebrows at him if they had any while they all gave him a questioning stare. “hey, it’s not my fault that some people find me incredibly alluring. besides, you could join in on the action any time you wanted bro.” Saturn retorted.

 

“I _WOULD_ JOIN IN IF YOU BROUGHT BACK A GUY FOR ONCE. BUT NOOOOOO, MR. BI GUY OVER HERE HAS TO SHOW OFF HIS SEXUALITY BY GOING OFF WITH SOME GIRL THE SAME NIGHT HE KICKS THEM OUT OF GRILLBY’S BAR. THEN, HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO COME HOME AT 3 IN THE MORNING WITH THEIR DISGUSTING SCENT ON HIM.”

 

‘IS THIS GUY JEALOUS OF HIS BROTHER’S SEXUALITY? SERIOUSLY?’ Swapfell Sans couldn’t believe what was happening in front of him.

 

“papyrus, i think you have had enough.” Saturn said, this time using his brother’s actual name.

 

“DON’T TRY AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT YOU MANWHORE!”

 

Saturn sighed before whispering to himself “should have seen this coming. he does sometimes get a bit angry when he’s drunk after all.” ‘blink’ Suddenly, Mars’s soul was blue and he was pinned to the ceiling!

 

Mars was now struggling against the magic pinning him down… or up rather, but Saturn’s magical grip was too tight. “tsk tsk tsk. honestly boss, if you just wanted to have some alone time with me because you’re jealous, all you have to do is ask. there’s no need to get so dramatic about it. especially in front of our new friends.”

 

Mars simply growled in reply.

 

“i’ll see you guys later. daddy has to leave right now to tuck in a certain naughty child.” Saturn said as he went to the door with a tall, floating edgy skeleton following right behind him.

 

“I AM NOT A CHILD!” Mars protested while being yanked away by Saturn’s magic.

 

“then stop acting like one.” Saturn countered. “later bitches!” Saturn yelled as he closed the door.

 

The four skeletons that were left didn’t really know what to make of that recent outburst.

 

“aaaaaaand that’s why i didn’t want to play. good grief, that guy can be a time bomb sometimes. obviously, mixing alcohol with people like that is not a good idea, as we just saw.” Citrine explained.

 

Swapfell Papyrus nodded in agreement before looking at Swapfell Sans and Sapphire “ _now_ do you two understand why i didn’t want to play this dumb drinking game? we already saw the alcohol take out one of us already. at this rate, there will be some excuse for us all to disappear by midnight with the way things are going.”

 

Sapphire spoke up “YOU THINK OUR WRITER WOULD DO THAT? JUST WRITE UP AN EXCUSE TO GET RID OF THE REMAINING CHARACTERS AND JUST SAY ‘THE END?’ THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE LAZIEST ENDING EVER!”

 

“and yet, around one out of four fics are stuck without an ending, let alone a good or bad one. what a tragedy.” Citrine commented.

 

“GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THAT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY AWFUL!” Sapphire agreed.

 

“yeesh, that’s got to be the equivalent of living in a timeline with infinite resets. sounds pretty horrible to me.” Swapfell Papyrus added.

 

The narrator would now like the readers to have a moment of silence for all of the characters currently stuck in fan fics without an ending that will never ever have an ending. How sad.

 

“SOOOOOO… WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW?” Swapfell Sans asked.

 

“tv sound good?” Citrine asked the group.

 

“SURE!” “k.” “YEAH!”

  
And with that, the four skeletons went to the living room, eager to forget about the absurdity that had plagued their day together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I totally don't have any bitter feelings against fanfic writers who start something that looks like a masterpiece, only to stop halfway through. Whatever would give you guys that idea?


	18. A new strategy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Saturn gone, it's all up to Sapphire now.

Nobody really felt like doing anything anymore and it was too awkward to try and start any real conversations anyway after Saturn and Mars left. So, the four skeletons simply watched TV in silence for a while and pretended to have a sense of normalcy.

 

At around 10:00 p.m., Sapphire’s phone started ringing.

 

‘ring ring ring’

 

“SORRY GUYS! I’LL GO TO THE OTHER ROOM.” Sapphire said apologetically.

 

Sapphire moved to the kitchen before answering “HELLO!”

 

“heya sapphire, saturn here. so, what’s the situation with everyone now?” Saturn answered.

 

“WELL, IT’S PRETTY MUCH THE EXACT SAME AS YOU LEFT IT. ONLY A LOT MORE AWKWARD NOW…” Sapphire explained.

 

“…”

 

Sapphire could have sworn that he heard something akin to deep breathing in the background with Saturn, but didn’t think it was worth bringing up.

 

“man, you’re getting lazy, why haven’t you done anything?” Saturn asked.

 

Sapphire was confused, “WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING?”

 

“you haven’t been doing anything to further our goals of spreading the glorious joys of fontcest to our new counterparts! we practically have swapfell sans with us, we just need to drive his brother crazy enough to get a confession out of him is all. after that, we are golden and the sinfest may begin!” Saturn said with waaay too much enthusiasm.

 

“WHAT WOULD ALL OF THAT ACCOMPLISH ANYWAY? CAN’T ONE OF US JUST ASK SWAPFELL PAPYRUS OUT ON A DATE OR SOMETHING AND LET IT GO FROM THERE?” Sapphire questioned.

 

“absolutely not! if we do that, it wouldn’t settle the pressing issue that swapfell papyrus would rather turn into dust than even consider confessing to his brother right now.” Saturn explained.

 

“WHY ARE YOU SO DETERMINED ABOUT HIM CONFESSING ANYWAY? I THOUGHT YOU’D PREFER TO HAVE SWAPFELL SANS ALL TO YOURSELF. WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU GAIN FROM HIS BROTHER CONFESSING HIS LOVE TO HIM?” Sapphire asked.

 

“i’m not doing it because i’d get something out of it. I’m doing it because i’m sick of seeing people who are so obviously madly in love with someone refuse to confess to them for years. my brother suffered for a long time lusting after me and he wasted so much time dancing around the issue instead of just being forward about it. if he had just told me about how he felt years ago, he probably would have been able to line up a good husband for himself by now. heck, he might have already popped out a kid or two if he was already married.” there was a pause before Saturn continued “anyway, that’s not important right now. what is important is getting Swapfell Pap to confess. the sooner we can do that, the better.

 

“WELL WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO? I’M NOT EXACTLY A LOVE EXPERT YOU KNOW, EVEN IF I DO HAVE RESEARCH MATERIALS ON THE SUBJECT.” Sapphire questioned.

 

“Huff… huff…”

 

Sapphire was sure that he heard something this time. “ER, ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW SATURN? I CAN CALL YOU BACK IF YOU’RE BUSY YOU KNOW.”

 

“just give me a sec.” Saturn said before a full minute of silence commenced.

 

…

 

Sapphire was pretty sure that the question about what Saturn was doing was more about ‘who’ rather than ‘what’ now, but didn’t see the point in pressing the issue.

 

“i’m back. by the way, one book isn’t exactly a very impressive collection on a subject as big as this you know.” Saturn reminded Sapphire.

 

“I HAVE OTHER RESOURCES TOO YOU KNOW!”

 

“the internet does not count either. shitty-ass blogs are only slightly more credible than pornography in terms of relationship advice by the way.” Saturn pointed out.

 

“WELL, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST THEN MR. LOVE EXPERT?” Sapphire said with a bit of sass in his voice.

 

“S-Sans…” Sapphire was positive that was Mars’s voice in the background now.

 

“UH… SATURN?”

 

Saturn sighed before replying “yeah, i know. i’ll take care of it for real this time.”

 

The next three minutes had quite a bit of lewd language from Saturn and Mars, therefore, you readers will have to use your imagination to figure out what exactly is happening in this scene. For now, please enjoy this image of a mustard bottle and a jar of honey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

“now will you be quiet? i am trying to have a conversation on the phone here.” Sapphire could hear Saturn lecturing before Saturn's attention shifted back to Sapphire. “sorry about that man.” Saturn apologized.

 

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TUCK HIM IN. NOT DO… WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE DOING…” Sapphire said, suddenly starting to feel weird yet oddly impressed about  whatever Saturn was doing to Mars while somehow holding a conversation at the same time.

 

“do you want to hear my plan, or do you want me to hang up so i can get back to business?” Saturn asked.  
  
“WEREN’T YOU THE ONE WHO CALLED ME?” Sapphire pointed out.

 

“your point?” Saturn asked. Sapphire didn’t reply, so Saturn simply continued, “Alright here’s the plan. it’s pretty simple actually, we set up a double date between you, your brother, and the swapfell brothers.”

 

“EH? BUT ME AND CITRINE HAVE ALREADY DATED AND SWAPFELL PAPYRUS WON’T CONFESS HIS LOVE FOR HIS BROTHER! THAT WOULDN’T WORK.” Sapphire said, unsure of the plan.

 

“you got the pairings wrong. i was thinking you would be dating swapfell papyrus while citrine dates swapfell sans. if you can’t do that, try and pair up yourself with swapfell sans while your brother dates swapfell papyrus. either method would work.” Saturn explained.

 

“AND HOW, EXACTLY, AM I SUPPOSED TO PERSUADE EVERYONE TO GO ALONG WITH THAT?” Sapphire asked, clearly feeling as if he was in over his head with the task he was just assigned.

 

“alright, here’s what i want you to do…”


	19. Good night... but it doesn't feel right...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for bed. The sleeping arrangements aren't going to please everyone though...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies again for taking an eternity between chapters. Good grief, December does not give me any free time to write about skeletons who commit some serious sin, I swear...

After their conversation ended, Sapphire hung up and went back to the living room.

“who was it bro?” asked Citrine.

“OH, THAT WAS JUST SATURN CALLING ME.” Sapphire replied.

“did he say if he’s planning on coming back tonight?” Citrine asked.

“NO, HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING BUT… HE SEEMED A LITTLE BIT TOO… ‘PREOCCUPIED’ TO COME BACK, SO I GUESS IT’S JUST THE FOUR OF US FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.” Sapphire explained.

Citrine checked his phone for the time and noticed it was 10:30. “oh well, it is pretty late. we should probably go to bed soon anyway.” Citrine chimed in.

“i second that.” Swapfell Papyrus agreed.

‘Now’s my chance!’ Sapphire realized. “BROTHER?”

“yeah?”

“HOW, EXACTLY, IS THE BED SITUATION SUPPOSED TO WORK? PHOENIX IS RECOVERING FROM WHAT IS LIKELY A MASSIVE HANGOVER, SO HIS BED IS OUT. THAT MEANS THAT THE FOUR OF US HAVE TO SPLIT THE COUCH AND CLOUD’S OLD BED.”

There was a brief period of silence as the other three realized the implications of that statement. But before anyone else could speak up, Sapphire made the first move “I CALL DIBS ON CLOUD’S BED!”

“all to yourself, that’s not fair bro.” Citrine whined.

“jerk move.” “HOW SELFISH!” The Swapfell brothers agreed.

“NOW WHO SAID I WOULD BE ALONE?” Sapphire said slyly.

That was certainly one way to get everyone’s attention.

Moving with swagger, Sapphire slowly went up the stairs to Cloud’s old room before looking down at his three cohorts. “HMMMMMM… DECISIONS, DECISIONS...”

‘Oh please don’t pick me or Sans. PLEASE!’ Swapfell Papyrus begged in his mind.

But it didn’t matter of course. “SWAPFELL ME! COME ON UP AND GET READY FOR BED!”

Swapfell Sans immediately understood what Sapphire was doing and gladly went along with it, making sure that he looked as enthusiastic as possible while he climbed up the stairs. It got to the point where he looked like one of those overly enthusiastic contestants on The Price is Right.

The two short skeletons were about to go into the bedroom before Sapphire stopped. “OH, I ALMOST FORGOT! OTHER ME, ARE YOU AVAILABLE TOMORROW?” Sapphire asked.

“YEAH, I’M FREE TOMORROW, DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?”

“I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GO ON A DATE WITH YOU MAYBE?” Sapphire said with a wink to signal that this was a part of ‘the plan.’

“WELL, I DON’T SEE WHY NOT! OF COURSE I WILL GO!” Swapfell Sans agreed with as much enthusiasm as possible to maximize the jealousy from his brother, which was increasing with every word.

Sapphire then looked down at the taller skeletons “WHY DON’T YOU GUYS COME TOO? IT’LL BE FUN TO HAVE A DOUBLE DATE DON’T YOU THINK?” Sapphire stated.

“uh…” “wait what?” Neither Citrine nor Swapfell Papyrus knew how to respond to that question.

But Sapphire was not going to take no for an answer. “EXCELLENT! SEE YOU TWO AT NOON TOMORROW THEN!” Sapphire stated before turning back to his counterpart. “NOW, SHALL WE?” Sapphire asked his doppelganger.

“WE SHALL!” Swapfell Sans agreed with glee as they both went into Cloud’s old bedroom before either of their brothers could protest to the plans being made for tomorrow.

“...citrine, what the hell just happened?” asked an incredibly perplexed Swapfell Papyrus.

“i think that my brother just set up the four of us on a double date tomorrow.” Citrine answered.

“so now what do we do?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

“get ready for bed i guess.” Citrine concluded lazily as he got some blankets and pillows for the pull-out couch.

“just so you know, i’m totally willing to impale your brother if he decides to pop my brother’s cherry tonight.” Swapfell Papyrus said darkly.

‘how does this guy adopt such a scary tone in record time?’ Citrine wondered.

“oh c’mon, there’s no way he’d do it in cloud’s room with you being in such close proximity. I’m positive he isn’t as bad as you think he is.” Citrine defended.

‘Click’ That noise was the sound of Cloud’s bedroom door locking.

“you were saying?” Swapfell Papyrus deadpanned.

“good grief, all they did was lock the door! sheesh, you’re acting like they’re already banging or something.” Citrine said, now getting somewhat annoyed at his counterpart’s paranoia. ‘then again, i was just like him when sapphire first shared a room with saturn... who later did end up taking sapphire’s virginity… hmmmm... perhaps i should have a medic on standby in case swapfell me catches sapphire ‘going to town’ with swapfell sans tonight…’ Citrine thought to himself.

That last thought reminded Citrine that nobody had heard anything about Cloud’s ‘date’ with the Shady Penguin. The penguin did not mention anything about Cloud having to stay in Antarctica overnight right?

“hey, swapfell me?”

“what now?” said a somewhat irritated Swapfell Papyrus.

“did the operator say what time cloud would come back?” Citrine asked.

“i don’t think so. should we try to call cloud then?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

“it’s worth a shot. i just hope that cloud hasn’t been made an unwilling partner of that harem the operator mentioned…” Citrine said as both skeletons shuddered at the thought of that.

“i’m going to call him.” Citrine decided as he pulled out his phone. But before he could dial it, his phone started to ring that one annoying ringtone along with a series of sixes as the number.

“not this shit again!” exclaimed an annoyed Swapfell Papyrus.

“whatever, hopefully we can at least gain some information this way.” Citrine said as he answered the phone and put it on speaker so that Swapfell Papyrus could join in on the conversation.

“hello?” Citrine answered cautiously.

“Hello boys.” said a familiar voice on the other end. “How is that party going?”

“quite honestly? horrible.” Swapfell Papyrus answered before Citrine could reply.

“Is that so? You certainly seem to be very opinionated on how you feel about your little party today. Does that happen to have anything to do with the way the others have been treating your brother?” the wrong number guy said with a deceitful tone in their voice.

“why are you even asking if you know the answer anyway?” said an irritated Swapfell Papyrus.

“Because my boss and I just love seeing you guys squirm a bit. Anyway, that’s not the main reason I called. My boss wanted to tell you that Cloud will be back soon.”

“oh, that’s great. when?” asked Citrine.

“In approximately two seconds.” replied the wrong number person.

‘Ding dong!’ the doorbell rang.

“Bye bye you two~.” the voice said as it hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, Cloud's back now.


	20. When you stay up past your bed time, stuff happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud comes back from his date, but is there something else going on behind the scenes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few of you were asking about how Cloud's date went, so here you go!

“i’ll get it.” Citrine said as he went to open the door, revealing a small skeleton in a blue jacket.

 

“sup guys?” Cloud greeted the two tall skeletons.

 

“nice to see you safe after your date with that weird guy.” Swapfell Papyrus chimed in.

 

“eh, it could have been worse. while the activities for the night didn’t exactly fit in my normal routine and there were a few awkward moments, i do have the consolation prize that he at least didn’t try to kiss me.” Cloud explained.

 

“what did you guys even do for the past six hours anyway?” Citrine asked.

 

“well, that penguin is royalty, so of course he has to be over the top in everything. imagine michael bay dating you for a second.” Cloud said.

 

Citrine and Swapfell Papyrus did. They both asked the same follow up question “were there many explosions?”

 

“well, there were a couple explosions when he took me to see some gladiators fighting. i never thought that i could see so much carnage while on a date…” Cloud trailed off slightly shaken a bit at the memory.

 

“seriously? gladiators? was there a big building for it and everything?” Swapfell Papyrus pressed.

 

Cloud nodded “yep. there’s even a couple dozen healers on standby so that the fighters can go for multiple rounds. it was a bit surreal seeing a guy near death one minute, totally fine the next, then near death again over and over until they brought in some different guys to start the entire process over again.” Cloud continued.

 

“so... what else did you do?”

 

“let’s see… we had dinner together with around 20 of his kids at this big table with servants on standby to give us whatever we wanted. while the food was good, it still felt weird having so many people i don’t know around me like that. his kids were friendly enough and at least tried to make an attempt to make me feel more comfortable about the whole thing.” Cloud further explained.

 

“well, at least none of his concubines showed up or, god forbid, his freaking wife. imagine how awkward that would have been.” Citrine pointed out. Cloud immediately shuddered at that thought.

 

“on the subject of the penguin’s kids, do you think that they know that their dad is a total nutcase?” Swapfell Papyrus asked, eager to change the subject.

 

“quite honestly? yes. while none of them said anything out in the open, there were a bunch of looks i got from some of them that just screamed ‘sorry for bothering you’ and ‘we know exactly how you feel’ and other stuff like that.” Cloud went on. “he also gave me a tour of the palace which was so big that it took us two entire hours to see everything. good grief, i hadn’t even heard of this penguin guy or about antarctica being another place for monsters until the past 12 hours, which is weird when you consider how a guy that over the top should have been easier to notice.” Cloud pointed out.

 

“how long have you guys been on the surface again?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“around two years for my universe, about a year and a half for the underfell universe, and nearly a year for the swapfell universe. isn’t that right citrine?” Cloud asked.

 

Citrine nodded in agreement “yes, that seems about right.”

 

“you guys should keep your eye sockets peeled for anything like this happening in your own universes by the way. where’s saturn by the way? i need to tell him about that and also give him an earful for inviting the guy here.”

 

“wait, he did WHAT?!?” Swapfell Papyrus said, angry enough to use all caps at the end.

 

“yeah, he actually invited the penguin here to ‘provide a distraction’ according the the operator. said something about wanting to flirt with you and your brother or something along those lines. where the heck is he though?” Cloud asked.

 

“he went home to ‘tuck in’ his brother who got drunk then super angry over some sexuality bullshit. judging by how my brother acted when he got a phone call from him, it seemed to be something that you would not like any details about.” Citrine explained.

 

“and i am grateful that you will not do that. but enough standing around, let’s go inside now.” Cloud said as all three of them went inside.

 

Cloud looked around a bit before he noticed that no one else was around the house. “where the heck are our bros? sleeping?”

 

“yeah, your brother got a little too drunk due to saturn’s antics, so we took him into his room to sleep it off. my brother and swapfell sans are sharing your old bedroom.” Citrine said.

 

“alright. i’m going to go check on phoenix before i leave to meet up with tori and the kids.” Cloud said as he slowly entered Phoenix’s room.

 

However, Swapfell Papyrus still felt uneasy about his brother sharing a room with Sapphire. Swapfell Papyrus must not have been doing a good job at hiding his worries as he nervously paced around the living room waiting for Cloud to finish up. Citrine, not being oblivious, noticed the nervousness of his counterpart.

 

Citrine sighed a bit before he spoke “if you’re really that worried about our brothers doing the nasty, just press your skull up against the door. they aren’t exactly the quiet type of guys you know.”

 

Swapfell Papyrus was slightly annoyed at Citrine for not recognizing the very realistic possibility that their brothers could indeed be engaging in incredibly inappropriate activities right now, but he didn’t say anything as he followed Citrine’s suggestion as he pressed his skull to the door, hopeful that he wouldn’t hear anything except some snoring.

 

Unfortunately, he did not hear what he wanted to hear.

 

“UGH, GO FASTER YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Swapfell Papyrus was pretty sure that was his brother’s voice.

 

‘no no no no no’ Swapfell Papyrus thought immediately over and over again as he cautiously crept away from the door back to Citrine, who was now trying to get some sleep on the couch.

 

Now in panic mode, Swapfell Papyrus didn’t even bother trying to be gentle as he shook Citrine from his slumber violently.

 

“ugh, now what?” Citrine said, clearly annoyed at being woken up approximately 30 seconds after falling asleep.

 

“our brothers. doing it. in cloud’s room. now.” Swapfell Papyrus said, using additional punctuation for emphasis specifically to highlight the seriousness of the situation.

 

“ugh, fine, i’ll get up.” Citrine said as he slowly got up and followed a very nervous Swapfell Papyrus up the stairs to listen in on whatever was happening in Cloud’s old room.

 

At this point, Cloud was done checking in on Phoenix to make sure he was okay and was going to leave when he noticed both Citrine and Swapfell Papyrus camped out at the door to his old room.

 

Cloud crept up behind the two tall skeletons “any particular reason why my old door is suddenly super popular fellas?”

 

Right after speaking, Swapfell Papyrus immediately shushed him.

 

Cloud whispered to Citrine “but seriously, what the hell are you two doing? aren’t swapfell sans and sapphire supposed to be sleeping in there?”

 

To which Citrine whispered back “yeah, but swapfell papyrus claimed he heard those two banging or something.”

 

All three of them had their skulls pinned to the door when they heard something juicy.

 

“COME ON, FASTER! I WANT TO FINISH FIRST!” that was Swapfell Sans’s voice again.

 

“NO WAY! I’M GOING TO FINISH FIRST!” this time it was Sapphire who was talking.

 

Cloud felt like he was going to throw up and Citrine suddenly felt very embarrassed.

 

“i told you didn’t i?” said Swapfell Papyrus.

 

“that tears it, i’m getting these two perverts to stop.” Cloud said as he used some magic turn his fingers into claws.

 

“ah yes, the ‘skeleton key’ method.” Citrine said.

 

“wait, you’re going to interrupt them?!?” Swapfell Papyrus asked in a panicked voice.

 

“just going to confirm my suspicions and give them a nice scare is all.” Cloud said as he picked the lock, lights from his sockets now disappearing.

 

‘Click’

  
Cloud opened the door slowly to find...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Knock knock. It's a cliff. And a hangar. A cliffhanger. With suspension. Lots of it. So stay tuned for more. I'm sure that the perverts out there are screaming at the ending... ha ha ha. I love it.


	21. Some closure and an ending... for now anyways...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last, we have reached the end of part 1.  
> P.S. Sorry for making you all wait guys.

Cloud, Citrine, and Swapfell Papyrus were all too surprised to say anything when they burst through the door and saw what exactly Sapphire was doing to Swapfell Sans.

 

Whooping his noob ass in Mario Kart 7 on the Nintendo 3DS of course.

 

“UGH, WHY CAN’T I GO FASTER?” grunted an increasingly annoyed Swapfell Sans. 

 

Sapphire then crossed the finish line and won again. “THAT’S 5 IN A ROW, BUT WHO’S COUNTING? OH, THAT’S RIGHT, ME!” Sapphire teased his counterpart.

 

Breaking from his intense focus on his handheld, Sapphire noticed the three skeletons in the doorway. “OH, HI GUYS! SORRY FOR STAYING UP, BUT I WANTED TO PLAY A LITTLE BIT OF MARIO KART WITH SWAPFELL ME BEFORE TUCKING IN FOR THE NIGHT. DID YOU NEED SOMETHING?”

 

Citrine couldn’t exactly say that they came in because Swapfell Papyrus thought that they were doing stuff that you only read about in Explicit rated fanfictions, so he did something that anyone would do when at a loss for words. Pass. “ummm… swappy thought he heard a… banging noise… come from upstairs... right swappy?”

 

Swapfell Papyrus gave a quick glare at his counterpart before stumbling for words “yeah... i thought i heard something… i… got worried so… i wanted to check on you guys…” he tried to explain.

 

Swapfell Sans butted into the conversation now “UGH, SERIOUSLY? DON’T YOU THINK THAT WE’D COME AND GET ONE OF YOU IF SOMETHING BAD WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING?” clearly, he was offended at the notion and he wasn’t buying it anyway.

 

Suddenly, a noise.

 

‘DUMP!’

 

Eye sockets immediately went to a corner of the room where there was… an empty trashcan???

 

“oh, so that must have been it.” Cloud said.

 

“SAY WHAT NOW?” Swapfell Sans asked, confused at the turn of events.

 

“it must have been my trash tornado 2.0 striking again. that’s probably what swapfell papyrus heard a few minutes ago.” Cloud explained as he put the trashcan back in the closet.

 

“BUT HOW COULD NEITHER OF US HAVE NOT HEARD THAT? IT WAS PRETTY LOUD!” Sapphire exclaimed.

 

“i would imagine it would be because of the intense focus the two of you had on your games. seriously, how did you guys not notice the three of us for a full 30 seconds? that’s how.” Cloud said.

 

Swapfell Sans wanted to argue but decided against it. “WHATEVER. WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED ANYWAYS.” taking on a more suggestive tone, he continued “WE ALL NEED TO GET THE BEAUTY SLEEP FOR OUR DATES TOMORROW RIGHT? THAT GOES FOR YOU TWO AS WELL!” he said, pointing at Citrine and Swapfell Papyrus.

 

Sapphire giggled. Cloud looked at the two taller skeletons, clearly confused. 

 

In a desperate attempt to defuse the situation, Citrine tried to rush himself, Cloud and Swapfell Papyrus out of the room. “okay, thanks, we will!” he said in a rush as he pushed the other two skeletons out of the room before closing the door.

 

Citrine sighed in relief “nice trash tornado man. how did you do that on such short notice without anyone noticing?”   
  
Cloud played it off as if it was nothing “eh, it’s not that hard when nobody is looking at the closet. makes it a lot easier to pull out UTT’s (unidentified trash tornados) in a stealthy manner.”

 

“but enough about that.” Cloud said. “does anyone want to tell me just how the hell the four of you guys are going on a date tomorrow? especially you swapfell, i didn’t think you were into that sort of thing.”

 

“believe me, we didn’t volunteer for this double date crap cloud. my brother and sapphire just went up and decided to go on a date tomorrow, then they somehow strong-armed me and citrine to go on a double date with them. it all happened too fast for either of us to protest.” Swapfell Papyrus explained.

 

“do you two even have any idea where they’re going to take you on the double date tomorrow?” Cloud asked.

 

“no idea. all they said was to be ready by noon. if they really want to milk it, they could turn it into an all day affair… which is probably what’ll happen now that i think about it...” Citrine lamented.

 

“well, good luck and have a good time then i guess.” Cloud paused before continuing “by the way... do you two have a thing for each other?”

 

“wait what!” Swapfell Papyrus said, clearly surprised. Citrine couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at the suggestion.

 

“hey, it’s a legitimate question.” Cloud said. “i need to know if you guys are going to be in a relationship so that i can give you a list of ‘the rules’ for what is allowed in this house.”

 

“the rules?” Swapfell Papyrus asked, clearly confused.

 

“it’s a very long-winded document that goes into great detail on what certain self-loving incestual skeletons can and can’t do in this house.” Citrine explained. “here. i’ll show you mine.” Citrine said as he retrieved his document from his phone’s inventory. ‘Pop’ “bingo.” he said as he handed it over to Swapfell Papyrus.

 

Swapfell Papyrus looked over the document “so this is a list of rules that you and the other guys have to follow while in this house right?”

 

“precisely. i also reserve the right to fine any of them should they do anything i just flat out don’t like, as you saw earlier with saturn at lunch. i’ll have to add ‘suggestively eating hot dogs’ to saturn’s contract later.” Cloud said.

 

Swapfell Papyrus noticed a bit of text at the bottom that stood out “failure to comply by the result of the contract may result in bad times… seems legit.” Swapfell Papyrus kept reading “damn dude, i can’t believe that this thing is a full five pages. and i thought you were the normal one.” Swapfell Papyrus said.

 

“oh, this is nothing. you should see saturn’s contract. how long is his cloud?” Citrine asked.

 

“Around 27 pages. i’ll have to put in another paragraph about hot dogs later though.”

 

“... you and your brother aren’t allowed to ‘play with orange and blue popsicles’ anymore?” Swapfell Papyrus asked nervously.

 

Citrine only shrugged in response to the question.

 

“anyway.” Cloud said, trying not to think about the popsicle incident “if you decide to pursue a relationship with any of the other skeletons, i’ll need to make one of these things for you.”

 

“do i look like a blatant pervert filled to the brim with insatiable lust?” Swapfell Papyrus asked, clearly offended.

 

“look into my eyes.” Cloud asked, eye sockets now empty of light. Swapfell Papyrus complied.

 

After about 15 seconds, Cloud looked away “... yeah, your past certainly makes you look like one of those types.” Cloud said. “you should check some of your ‘hidden’ stats by the way. can’t believe that penguin was telling me the truth after all… ‘shy guy’ my ass… not normal at all...” Cloud muttered while walking away.

 

Swapfell Papyrus was speechless and Citrine was hopelessly confused as Cloud walked to the door. “i’d stick around, but i have to check in with tori and the kids. later freaks.” Cloud said as he left in a huff. Just before he slammed the door behind him he called out to Citrine “hey citrine, remember when i said saturn was the biggest pervert ever? i think he finally found some competition for that title.”

 

The two tall skeletons didn’t really have a clue on how to react to that.

 

“so what the hell just happened exactly?” Citrine asked.

 

“do i look like a have a clue?” Swapfell Papyrus asked in return.

 

“come now, surely you must know something about why he suddenly got so upset. does it have anything to do with those ‘hidden stats’ of yours?” Citrine pressed.

 

“how should i know? he left before he could explain anything.” Swapfell Papyrus said, clearly dodging the question. “whatever, let’s just go to bed already. i’m too tired to deal with this right now.”

 

Citrine wanted to get to the bottom of this mystery, but he was pretty tired too. Oh well, maybe he can settle the issue tomorrow.

 

Both skeletons started getting ready for bed. Swapfell Papyrus shedded his coat and pants to go down to a pair of black athletic shorts with an orange stripe and a black t-shirt before getting into the pull out couch. Unfortunately for him, his counterpart didn’t like the idea of sleeping with any clothes on whatsoever, so Swapfell Papyrus had to accept that he’d be sleeping next to a naked skeleton for the night.

 

Swapfell Papyrus did a horrible job at hiding his discomfort as usual. “what’s wrong now?” Citrine asked as he climbed into bed.

 

“... you’re naked.” Swapfell Papyrus admitted.

 

“yeah, i know. but good grief, do you have to have a problem with everything? we’re both adults here, and i don’t even have my dick out for goodness sake. if it really is a problem, i can put my shorts back on just for you.” Citrine offered.

 

“oh nevermind. just forget it.” Swapfell Papyrus said.

 

‘if this guy can be as perverted as  _ saturn  _ according to cloud, then why the hell does he clam up at anything remotely sexual?’ Citrine wondered.

 

‘i wonder… how would he react if i did something...’ Citrine thought, eager to get at least a clue before going to sleep.

 

“hey swappy.” Citrine said.

 

“what?” Swapfell Papyrus replied.

 

“i just wanted to be honest with you and say that i’m actually kinda looking forward to our date tomorrow.” Citrine said, hoping that his counterpart would take the bait and give him some information for once.

 

“really?... i… kinda am too now that you say that...” Swapfell Papyrus admitted. “if i can’t be with my brother... i kinda like the idea of being with you.”

 

“i... kinda feel the same way as you actually.” Citrine admitted in turn “i’m still not sure exactly what my own brother is planning on in terms of who he wants to spend his life with. sure, the two of us and the underfell bros have a bit of a ‘sharing policy’, but that’s mostly because we’re all young enough to continue having our dumb little slut phases.” 

 

There was a brief silence after Citrine said that.

 

“hey swappy?” Citrine spoke up.

 

“yeah?” he replied.

 

“i just wanted you to know that i think you’re really handsome.” Citrine said.

 

“... thanks.” Swapfell Papyrus said in reply. After a few seconds, he wound up the courage to say more “there was one other reason why i got all nervous when i realized you’d be sleeping naked next to me.”

 

“What reason?”

 

“that you’re a fucking stud man. in fact, i’m getting distracted right now.” Swapfell Papyrus managed with a bit of a dark chuckle.

 

“oh really?” Citrine said with a tone that was clearly suggestive. “y’know... you can come a bit closer if you want to.” Citrine said.

 

And that’s exactly what Swapfell Papyrus did. Truly, these two handsome skeletons were pushing the limits of this T rated fic.

 

“hey narrator, fuck off, we’re having a moment of serious emotion right now.” Swapfell Papyrus said.

 

Alright fine… Stupid sexy skeletons…

 

“where were we?” Swapfell Papyrus asked, turning his focus back to the naked guy next to him.

 

“cuddling was about to commence i think.” Citrine said.

 

“ah yes, thank you.” Swapfell Papyrus said as he pushed up against Citrine. “spooning sound good?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“hell yeah it sounds good.” Citrine agreed with enthusiasm.

 

“... can i get a goodnight kiss?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“duh.” Citrine said like it was the most obvious response in the world.

 

Citrine turned his skull back to meet Swapfell Papyrus’s skull and have one hell of a kiss. It was definitely something that both of them needed. There was tongue action.

 

“and a bonus.” Citrine said as he gave Swapfell Papyrus a bite on the neck before he could react, leaving a mark.

 

it took a second for the bite to fully register in Swapfell Papyrus’s mind. “crap!” he said as he tried his best to heal it.

 

“it’s no use man, i left my mark.” Citrine said with a sinister tone.

 

“oh, you are such a bastard, you know that? let me guess, you want our bros to see this tomorrow morning don’t you?” Swapfell Papyrus said accusingly. 

 

“maybe.” Citrine replied.

 

“perhaps i should make it a matching set?” Swapfell Papyrus suggested as he opened his mouth to show off his overly sharp teeth.

 

“sure. if you want to lose the opportunity of feigning ignorance tomorrow.” Citrine offered.

 

“what do you mean?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“you have the option of blaming this all on me you know. it’s not like i haven’t done something like this before. i used to seriously date saturn after all, it’s impossible to not be just a little crazy after that whirlwind of an experience. you could play it off as me screwing with you in your sleep if you wanted to tomorrow.” Citrine explained.

 

“... alright, i guess.” Swapfell Papyrus agreed. Both skeletons then went back to spooning, with Citrine as the little spoon and Swapfell Papyrus as the big spoon. 

 

“do you do that bite thing all the time?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“i cannot tell you, that is confidential. anyway, how is your sex life?” Citrine teased.

 

Swapfell Papyrus had to stop himself from bursting out in laughter “haha, absolutely nothing recently, thanks for reminding me when i have a hot naked dude right next to me.”

 

“recently?” Citrine pressed.

 

“i cannot tell you any more, that is confidential.” Swapfell Papyrus responded. “... you really know how to rile me up don’t you?”

 

“yeah, it’s so easy though.” Citrine admitted.

 

“... we are so doing it later though huh?” Swapfell Papyrus asked.

 

“totally. just as soon as our writer gets us an explicit fic together.”

 

“well, he certainly needs to hurry the hell up. at the rate he’s going, my balls are going to be more blue than your brother’s scarf.”

 

“he’s probably delaying it to maximise the anticipation of our shippers. a sneaky bastard, he is.” 

 

“good grief, and he’s so damn blatant about it too.”

 

“yeah, i know.”

 

“oh well, nothing we can do about it. goodnight man.”

 

“goodnight.”

  
And with that, the two spooning skeletons finally went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been fun guys, and I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did. This last chapter took a LOT more work than I thought it would, as did this whole fic in general. All things considered, I'm pretty proud of how far I've come and I really love the support that some of you guys have shown, and I appreciate it. As for whether or not Swapfell Papyrus and Citrine do end up getting their explicit fic that they (and probably you, yes YOU) want, I'm not really sure. I'll probably end up putting it off for as long as possible for maximum comedy, maximum buildup, and for maximum blueness of Swapfell Papyrus's balls. XD
> 
> One thing that I'd like to warn you guys about is that I have no idea when I'll start part 2. I could start next week or in several months depending on circumstances. The first few chapters for New Guys in the Multiverse came to fruition only after months of plotting ideas for a fic, so I'm definitely not making any promises about speed for my stuff. 
> 
> And with that, I must bid you all adieu for now, till next time, in part 2 of Four Universes!


End file.
